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    #16
    I'm inferior Se (well unconscious Se according to CT development levels), so I can either ignore or be extremely sensitive to sensory input. I don't really pay attention to my internal sensory experience so I can't really comment on that. But for the longest time, I've always been enamored with art, both aesthetically and symbolically. Aesthetics has always been a fascination of mine as it revs up my Ni with metaphysical and symbolic musings. Art and aesthetics are never without context and it's a joy to parse out the meanings of these things. With that, my experience of the sensory world is highly impressionistic, creating a simulacra-like experience of reality. I need Se to ground and give my impressions body and impact, and to experience a sense of flow with the world around me. Too much layering of direct experience creates a dissociative detachment from it, and reality becomes a ever more impressionistic and surreal simulacra. When I eventually get out of my fugue state, I can experience reality and direct sensory input as a bit of an uncanny yet welcome interruption from my normal flow. I can live in my mind while the whole world passes by. Somewhere else, I wrote about my relationship to Se:

    I view Se as a primordial life force that’s necessary to experience reality in it’s fullest form (as someone with inferior Se). A will to being. My experience of Se is heavily symbolic and impressionistic. A concrete example of this is my love of art and aesthetics. Where words end, art and aesthetics fill in the gap where words no longer suffice. Art and aesthetics are languages in and of itself with their own set of rules, codes, and signifers. Similar to verbal language, the language of aesthetics is dynamic and subject to frequent paradigm shifts but in even more rapid succession than verbal language. We metabolize images on both a conscious and subconscious level, and decoding those meanings has been an interest of mine.

    There was a period of time in my where my anger issues and depression have reached their zenith simultaneously, and it was during this time that I idolized and deified the rage that I carried. It gave me a sense of vitality, motivation, volition, and power that I’d otherwise never felt. Little did I realize at the time that it was an emergency attempt to access my Se, especially during a time where I felt psychologically, physically, emotionally inert, and mired in my own delusions, paranoia, grief, and repressed emotions.

    For me to access Se is to disrupt my normal mode of being which is to be disengage with the world and be internally focused, But that disruption of the normal flow of things is necessary in order to fully self-actualize.

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      #17
      Sound and my Si dominance.

      Accordance with universal or divine design (which I equate with underlying truth) vs. Discordance is uppermost in how I orient in the world. This includes all of my sensory perceptions, but for now I am going to attempt probably clumsily to put into words, how sound is so important to me.

      I think I would rather go blind than deaf, if I was actually given the choice in a black magic world between losing one or the other and that’s not because I don’t value my sight. I am extremely visual, and like most humans rely primarily (too much at the loss of other senses, in some cases) on my sight. It’s that to me, sight as a sense is so much less nuanced, even at it’s best. It’s also deceiving. What it gives in pure beauty pleasure, it lacks in so many ways as per own capabilities - depth, detail, breadth.

      Sound is what we need. As much as I crave like a lunatic sometimes, pure silence. I don’t really want complete silence. I just hate noise, which is difference. I want the sound of breeze, water, even if it’s miles away or underground, birds or crickets. Something. Sound is intelligence to me. If you can’t hear, you are screwed and at the mercy of chaos.



      “Without craftsmanship, inspiration is a mere reed shaken in the wind.” Johannes Brahms

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        #18
        Well, I'm an artist (though I have mixed feelings with it these days) in part because of feeling enamored with certain aesthetics/sensory archetypes. A way of trying to possess beauty I suppose, as I can draw anything... as long as I can figure out how.

        I tend to enjoy the sensory world in general, but trying to talk about it feels annoying. Like when someone goes on about the "beauty of nature" it makes me want to throw up on them because it sounds so wanky and dumb, but... well. The urge to throw up is fairly sensuous in its own way. =P

        But yeah, some things are so beautiful it gives me a boner in my usually desolate soul. I don't know how to explain it better than that.

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