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I sometimes question the competency of mental health professionals. With all that education and those fancy certificates, some still haven't manage to have a genuine understanding of the psyche. In some ways, some aspects of the psyche still elude them. Yesterday I attended my weekly CBT session. My therapist, whom I like, mentioned that she couldn't reconcile my desire to hurt others and my low self-esteem and self-critical nature; it didn't quite make sense to her. She also wanted to do more assessments on me in order to decipher what's really going on. I think part of my malaise stems from high testosterone (which still needs to get tested). But back to her comment. What's there to reconcile? Maybe it's easy for me understand because I'm in my own mind, but it doesn't take much of a logical leap to connect the two. I guess an explanation is due.
Since I was very young, I've always had sadistic tendencies that got expressed with varying degrees of intensity and malice. The intensity of my anger and desire to hurt others coincided with the severity of my pathology. It comes to no surprised, and one fed the intensity of the other. My sense of control waned, and the more I lose control of myself, the more desperate I am in grasping any semblance of control. And I for one, am very much a grasper. I grasp for control. For any shred of integrity. For any sense of self-regard. For any spark of inner vitality. And in order to deal with the crushing reality of who I really am, and the anger at myself for not being the best in every facet of my life, I externalized my anger. It was a way to expand my ego, to make myself the center of the universe. The GOD of the universe. A god that unflinchingly and gleefully sends her flock to the slaughter because she can and she wills it.
I see them all lined up
Like naked children at the wall
Their skin is hanging off in sheets
Each face is painted like a whore
Their blood is shining in the sun
Their wounds are powdered with white salt
Their lips are shaping silent words:
I see my name as it spills out
I see them walking on their knees
Led in a chain by laughing girls
I see them sucking on the dirt
As if inhaling the whole world
And one by one their throats are c
And each one sings his choking song
And each one sings his lullaby
And each one falls and then he's gone
And I feel good
Yeah I feel fine
And I feel good:
I've been waiting far too long...
I see their bodies in the pyre
Leaking black smoke into the flames
And all the people stand around
Shaping lips into my name
And soon the sun begins to sink
Behind a wall of dirty air
I see their bones there in the pile
And taste the smell of burning hair
And all the children howl for milk
The rain spits down a million knives
I see you running through the field
I see you running for your useless life
I feel you choking on your tongue
I feel your breath attack your chest
The dogs are ripping at your feet
I see you bleeding out your happiness
And I feel good
Yeah I feel fine
And I feel good:
I finally got back what was always
Rightfully mineLast edited by Mahat; 03-04-2020, 03:20 PM.
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Last Monday my therapist and I made a chart. If it's hard to read, the top left quadrant is maladaptive coping skills I have (1). The top right one is adaptive coping skills I'm currently doing (2). The lower left are obstacles to what is meaningful (3). The lower right is what's meaningful to me/values (4). This was made in maybe 5-10 minutes so it's definitely not finished.
To add on:
1) Maladaptive
a. Dwelling on anger
b. Vegging out on TV shows and other distractions
2) Adaptive
a. Morning meditations
b. Establishing a consistent sleep/wake schedule which includes having certain morning and night routines
c. Setting up mini goals/projects to accomplish
d. The last two are still tough for me since I'm still in the habit of being listless but I feel much better after I try them.
3) Obstacles To a Meaningful Life
a. Everything that's listed in #1
b. Not focusing on the main goals in my life. However...at the moment focusing on little goals helps me reach the bigger ones.
4) Values
a. Success
b. Being in line with my ideal self
c. Living passionately
d. knowledge and wisdom - enlightenment not just through study but through lived experience
e. Eventual alignment of my career and personal valuesLast edited by Mahat; 03-04-2020, 12:11 PM.
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I find comfort in work to some degree even if I'm bored with it and view it as beneath me since it's blue collar type of work. Thankfully it's only a temporary job, but what I do like about it is that it's mechanical, and I enjoy tearing apart and putting machines back together and focusing on the process and parts. I'm extremely task-oriented, and I can have issues with coworkers who are more people-oriented especially when it effects my work. There's one woman at work who when I train her on certain equipment, she wants to chit chat. I don't mind talking about the task at hand but chit chat about people's lives doesn't interest (unless they're friends or people I'm interested in). But she's too busy fraternizing that it can get in the way of efficiency. She's too busy trying to be the cool mom instead of, I don't know, doing work that needs to be done. I almost feel like the fraternizing is a way to ingratiate herself so she can get away with less work. Anyways, even when I was at my lowest and on the verge of crying at work (because of personal issues), I still went to work and kept my composure. I can channel my feelings into tinkering with machines, and the more complicated the machine, the better.
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I can take it
Sideways
Sometimes
Some things
Waves
Feel like
I'm on the other side
Of every feeling ever felt
Hold it close
... Screaming
I've watched this scene a thousand times
(so) I can taste it
And in my head
This is how it all begins
Yes, I am becoming
And this is how it all begins
What did you expect?
This is not an exit
This has begun
The blackest eyes
... Welcoming...
I can almost see
The new flesh
A new disguise
Please
Give it to me
I can take it
Give it to me
I can take it
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A Poison Tree ???????by William Blake
I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
And I watered it in fears
Night and morning with my tears,
And I sunned it with smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles.
And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright,
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,--
And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning, glad, I see
My foe outstretched beneath the tree.
--My psyche when untreated
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I can relate to this to some extent, though I will say I don't have the same mental illnesses so I'm not claiming that -- but just the sheer obsessiveness over a project. I also have to remember to get up and work out or walk around away from the computer. It's easier said than done. But in the end the project comes out better because my mind isn't stale.
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Here is the basic template of CBT techniques:
1. What is the trigger/situation?
2. What are your thoughts in response to that event?
3. What are your emotions and how would you rate them (1-10)?
4. What behaviors will you perform?
5. What are the consequences of these behaviors?
When I fall deeper into my intellectual consumption:
1. The essay is the trigger that catalyzed this whole situation.
2. In doing a little research for this essay, I got extremely enthusiastic and competitive - competitive with myself in what I can learn and master.
3. I felt enthusiasm and excitement over this little endeavor. Maybe overly so in that I have 9 tabs opened related to it, and it's probably going to end up being a mini essay in the end. It won't be a formal research paper that's for sure. I'm not quite sure to rate my emotions.
4. When I notice that I'm in the grip of all this, I'll stand up and do breathing exercises centered around the gut.*
5. In doing the above, I'll keep myself grounded and mindful.
*I made a deal with myself - Before I do any research/reading, I'll do 1 hour of cleaning (yes my room is that bad at the moment). Once this whole cleaning project gets accomplished, I'll eventually move onto exercising.
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