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  • Mahat
    commented on 's reply
    Roshan I might comment tonight or tomorrow morning depending on how tired I am.

  • Mahat
    commented on 's reply
    yearned. Typo! But yes, I'm extricating myself from this toxic mentality.

  • Mahat
    commented on 's reply
    hopefully the chart will stay up this time

  • Mahat
    replied
    I sometimes question the competency of mental health professionals. With all that education and those fancy certificates, some still haven't manage to have a genuine understanding of the psyche. In some ways, some aspects of the psyche still elude them. Yesterday I attended my weekly CBT session. My therapist, whom I like, mentioned that she couldn't reconcile my desire to hurt others and my low self-esteem and self-critical nature; it didn't quite make sense to her. She also wanted to do more assessments on me in order to decipher what's really going on. I think part of my malaise stems from high testosterone (which still needs to get tested). But back to her comment. What's there to reconcile? Maybe it's easy for me understand because I'm in my own mind, but it doesn't take much of a logical leap to connect the two. I guess an explanation is due.

    Since I was very young, I've always had sadistic tendencies that got expressed with varying degrees of intensity and malice. The intensity of my anger and desire to hurt others coincided with the severity of my pathology. It comes to no surprised, and one fed the intensity of the other. My sense of control waned, and the more I lose control of myself, the more desperate I am in grasping any semblance of control. And I for one, am very much a grasper. I grasp for control. For any shred of integrity. For any sense of self-regard. For any spark of inner vitality. And in order to deal with the crushing reality of who I really am, and the anger at myself for not being the best in every facet of my life, I externalized my anger. It was a way to expand my ego, to make myself the center of the universe. The GOD of the universe. A god that unflinchingly and gleefully sends her flock to the slaughter because she can and she wills it.


    I see them all lined up
    Like naked children at the wall
    Their skin is hanging off in sheets
    Each face is painted like a whore
    Their blood is shining in the sun
    Their wounds are powdered with white salt
    Their lips are shaping silent words:
    I see my name as it spills out
    I see them walking on their knees
    Led in a chain by laughing girls
    I see them sucking on the dirt
    As if inhaling the whole world
    And one by one their throats are c
    And each one sings his choking song
    And each one sings his lullaby
    And each one falls and then he's gone
    And I feel good
    Yeah I feel fine
    And I feel good:
    I've been waiting far too long...
    I see their bodies in the pyre
    Leaking black smoke into the flames
    And all the people stand around
    Shaping lips into my name
    And soon the sun begins to sink
    Behind a wall of dirty air
    I see their bones there in the pile
    And taste the smell of burning hair
    And all the children howl for milk
    The rain spits down a million knives
    I see you running through the field
    I see you running for your useless life
    I feel you choking on your tongue
    I feel your breath attack your chest
    The dogs are ripping at your feet
    I see you bleeding out your happiness
    And I feel good
    Yeah I feel fine
    And I feel good:
    I finally got back what was always
    Rightfully mine
    The will to power in an sordid affair with thanatos. I yearned for others' destruction as I fed on their blood and sucked their life essence. Through their destruction my rebirth will commence in blood and pain as I emerge as the new maleficent God of the universe. Their blood and pain is a mirror image of my own blood and pain which they shall experience tenfold. The streets and sea shall run red and buildings set aflame and asunder. The screams of the damned shall fill the earth.
    Last edited by Mahat; 03-04-2020, 03:20 PM.

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  • Mahat
    replied
    Since at least the time of Greek philosophers, many writers have discovered a deep, intuitive connection between walking, thinking, and writing.

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  • Mahat
    replied
    Click image for larger version

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    Last Monday my therapist and I made a chart. If it's hard to read, the top left quadrant is maladaptive coping skills I have (1). The top right one is adaptive coping skills I'm currently doing (2). The lower left are obstacles to what is meaningful (3). The lower right is what's meaningful to me/values (4). This was made in maybe 5-10 minutes so it's definitely not finished.

    To add on:
    1) Maladaptive
    a. Dwelling on anger
    b. Vegging out on TV shows and other distractions

    2) Adaptive
    a. Morning meditations
    b. Establishing a consistent sleep/wake schedule which includes having certain morning and night routines
    c. Setting up mini goals/projects to accomplish
    d. The last two are still tough for me since I'm still in the habit of being listless but I feel much better after I try them.

    3) Obstacles To a Meaningful Life
    a. Everything that's listed in #1
    b. Not focusing on the main goals in my life. However...at the moment focusing on little goals helps me reach the bigger ones.

    4) Values
    a. Success
    b. Being in line with my ideal self
    c. Living passionately
    d. knowledge and wisdom - enlightenment not just through study but through lived experience
    e. Eventual alignment of my career and personal values
    Last edited by Mahat; 03-04-2020, 12:11 PM.

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  • Mahat
    replied
    I find comfort in work to some degree even if I'm bored with it and view it as beneath me since it's blue collar type of work. Thankfully it's only a temporary job, but what I do like about it is that it's mechanical, and I enjoy tearing apart and putting machines back together and focusing on the process and parts. I'm extremely task-oriented, and I can have issues with coworkers who are more people-oriented especially when it effects my work. There's one woman at work who when I train her on certain equipment, she wants to chit chat. I don't mind talking about the task at hand but chit chat about people's lives doesn't interest (unless they're friends or people I'm interested in). But she's too busy fraternizing that it can get in the way of efficiency. She's too busy trying to be the cool mom instead of, I don't know, doing work that needs to be done. I almost feel like the fraternizing is a way to ingratiate herself so she can get away with less work. Anyways, even when I was at my lowest and on the verge of crying at work (because of personal issues), I still went to work and kept my composure. I can channel my feelings into tinkering with machines, and the more complicated the machine, the better.

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  • Mahat
    replied


    I can take it
    Sideways
    Sometimes
    Some things
    Waves
    Feel like
    I'm on the other side
    Of every feeling ever felt
    Hold it close
    ... Screaming
    I've watched this scene a thousand times

    (so) I can taste it
    And in my head

    This is how it all begins
    Yes, I am becoming
    And this is how it all begins
    What did you expect?
    This is not an exit
    This has begun

    The blackest eyes
    ... Welcoming...
    I can almost see
    The new flesh
    A new disguise
    Please

    Give it to me
    I can take it

    Give it to me
    I can take it

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  • Mahat
    replied
    Moved to the Mind subforum.
    Last edited by Mahat; 02-24-2020, 05:28 AM.

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  • Mahat
    replied


    Hear The Voice

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  • Mahat
    replied


    A Poison Tree ???????by William Blake
    I was angry with my friend:
    I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
    I was angry with my foe:
    I told it not, my wrath did grow.

    And I watered it in fears
    Night and morning with my tears,
    And I sunned it with smiles
    And with soft deceitful wiles.

    And it grew both day and night,
    Till it bore an apple bright,
    And my foe beheld it shine,
    And he knew that it was mine,--

    And into my garden stole
    When the night had veiled the pole;
    In the morning, glad, I see
    My foe outstretched beneath the tree.

    --My psyche when untreated

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  • Animal
    commented on 's reply
    I can relate to this to some extent, though I will say I don't have the same mental illnesses so I'm not claiming that -- but just the sheer obsessiveness over a project. I also have to remember to get up and work out or walk around away from the computer. It's easier said than done. But in the end the project comes out better because my mind isn't stale.

  • Mahat
    commented on 's reply
    hahaha you're welcome!

  • Mahat
    replied
    Here is the basic template of CBT techniques:
    1. What is the trigger/situation?
    2. What are your thoughts in response to that event?
    3. What are your emotions and how would you rate them (1-10)?
    4. What behaviors will you perform?
    5. What are the consequences of these behaviors?

    When I fall deeper into my intellectual consumption:
    1. The essay is the trigger that catalyzed this whole situation.
    2. In doing a little research for this essay, I got extremely enthusiastic and competitive - competitive with myself in what I can learn and master.
    3. I felt enthusiasm and excitement over this little endeavor. Maybe overly so in that I have 9 tabs opened related to it, and it's probably going to end up being a mini essay in the end. It won't be a formal research paper that's for sure. I'm not quite sure to rate my emotions.
    4. When I notice that I'm in the grip of all this, I'll stand up and do breathing exercises centered around the gut.*
    5. In doing the above, I'll keep myself grounded and mindful.

    *I made a deal with myself - Before I do any research/reading, I'll do 1 hour of cleaning (yes my room is that bad at the moment). Once this whole cleaning project gets accomplished, I'll eventually move onto exercising.

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  • Mahat
    commented on 's reply
    I'm definitely gonna post that exercise today and thank you . Another cool thing, I woke up early today without having to force myself to wake up
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