Mental Health Log

[Mahat]

I'll be logging my progress in this thread.

The Basics
Diagnosis: Bipolar II with intrusive and obsessive-compulsive violent thoughts

Medication: Wellbutrin 150mg (anti-depressant), Abilify 5mg (atypical anti-psychotic), NAC 600mg (originally used to treat Tylenol overdoses but it can be used to treat OCD symptoms. It'll arrive on Tuesday). I also take ginkgo biloba, fish oil, ginseng, vitamin C, vitamin D (in the winter), ashwagandha, B-12, spirulina, and a collagen supplement. I take all of these in the morning.

Therapy: On Monday Feb 17th, I'll start cognitive behavioral therapy.

Catalyst to Recovery
A couple of Sundays ago, I experienced the apex of my anger and neurosis - I had the thought that I must kill my mother in order to reach the next stage of my development. I don't hate my mother, but I must kill someone I love in order to reach my apotheosis. When I kill her, I want her words, expressions, screams, and emotions etched in my memory forever. I want to be haunted by her last moments. This event horizon would be the moment in which I fully embrace the evil in my heart, the gateway for irreparable destruction both for others and for myself. A reverse spiritual awakening where I find transcendence and meaning in the immersion of the pain and violence. Violence, domination, and destruction are my destiny, or else why have these impulses in the first place? Why try to sublimate them when I SHOULD be directly expressing them. I must fulfill my destiny.

Rage As A Manifestation of Existential Despair
It doesn't take a genius to understand that underneath the rage, there is pain. Rage is expansive, motivating, and empowering when productively channeled. It's also destructive and self-imploding when not properly dealt with. I will not go into detail as to why I have all of this pain (at least not yet), but this rage is a response to regret, shame, insecurity, feelings of powerlessness and worthlessness, and frustrated desires. I'm always teetering on the edge of the abyss, peering into the black eye of the void. Every day is a death rehearsal, slowly chipping and pushing away, and destroying everything I hold dear until I have nothing to live for. Once that moment occurs, from the embers of despair, rage, and hate, I will emerge as someone fully realized in the evil I could commit.

Starting On The Path Towards Recovery
Here are my immediate goals at the moment: keep a consistent sleep schedule and meditate every morning (at least for 5 min). The next goal is to clean my room and keep it clean (in the spirit of Jordan B Peterson). The goal is to channel my energy from the head down towards the gut and below. My head center is chaotic noise. My anger feels less like a gut-centered emotion and more of a result of mental machinations and obsessive-compulsive cognitive loops. The long-term goal is for me to have more control over my cognitive map.

How I am Feeling Today

[Mahat]

I met with my CBT therapist yesterday and the session lasted an hour and half since it was an intake session. She was very thorough in her questioning since she was trying to see if what I have is really Bipolar ll and she mentioned that she might do some more additional tests to see what's going on. I already told my psychiatrist that I want to get my testosterone levels tested but I forgot to mention this to my CBT therapist. Here is an article on high testosterone in women:

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/321292

The symptoms of high T in women:

• acne
• deep voice
• excess hair on the face and body (not so such now since my body hair has thinned)
• increased muscle mass
• irregular periods (my periods only last 2 days)
• larger-than-normal clitoris
• loss of libido
• mood changes
• reduction in breast size
• thinning hair

I highlighted the symptoms that I have. My acne has subsided these past 2 years, but I had to use spironolactone to treat it. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of my issues stem from high T. I'll call my psychiatrist today so she can write a note about the need to test my T levels, which I'll give to the doctor at the immediate care clinic. When testing T levels, you need to measure the Total T and Free T levels,

https://www.everlywell.com/blog/test...t-and-total-t/

So this week, I made the goal that I'll start cleaning my room which entails waking up early enough to do it before work. On Sunday, I threw away all of the trash in my room. I didn't clean yesterday since I had my appointment. She gave me a little exercise to do during the week, and tomorrow, I'll do one on this thread. Since Stoicism is the theoretical ancestor of cognitive behavioral therapy, I'm looking more into it:

https://www.njlifehacks.com/what-is-...ic-principles/

[Mahat]

Working on small, concrete practical goals really helps to keep me grounded, organized, and focused. I tend to be detached from the more material and quotidian aspects of life. In the past, I would've thought of them as small and inconsequential, but the more I neglect them, the more they add up and become a problem. The devil is in the details. You can't work on big goals if the small details aren't taken cared of. At least I can't.

[Mahat]

Roshan affect-wise, I'm feeling much much better. The combination of the meds and medication are amazing. Task-wise, things are little slow because I've had errands to run all this week. I still haven't gotten around testing my T levels yet. But I'm starting to get used to the nightly and morning routines and a consistent wake-sleep schedule. I know I haven't done my CBT exercises on this thread yet, but I've been doing them when any flare ups do arise.

[Mahat]

I'm definitely gonna post that exercise today and thank you . Another cool thing, I woke up early today without having to force myself to wake up

[Mahat]

My mind, both in health and unhealth, resorts to hyper-intellectualization. When in unhealth, my anger is caused by anxiety, not in the clinical sense (though that may be present) but by way of existential dread. Hyper-rumination commences. When in health, all of this mental energy leads to intellectual hyper-consumption in response to my mind being on overdrive. The latter may seem like a positive indication of health, and it is, however...when not tempered by temperance and mindfulness, it can lead to a degeneration in my routine and thus leading to me being less grounded. So while my mind is no longer focused on my anger and pain, there's still a mental myopia that occurs. Lately, I've been doing research on an essay I'll write (not for school or work, but just for writing purposes), and I've been immersed in Adorno, Hegel, Kant, Nietzsche, etc, and it's been consuming my mind. Everything is centered around that essay (and it's not like a I'm writing a dissertation, it might not even be that long in the end). So my current task to hanker down on this type of obsessiveness by doing my CBT exercises whenever I feel like I'm starting to get in the thrall of this impulse.

[Mahat]

To put it succinctly, I tend to withdraw into my mindscape when in reality I should be more in the world, in the world of embodiment.

[Animal]

I can relate to this to some extent, though I will say I don't have the same mental illnesses so I'm not claiming that -- but just the sheer obsessiveness over a project. I also have to remember to get up and work out or walk around away from the computer. It's easier said than done. But in the end the project comes out better because my mind isn't stale.

[Mahat]

Here is the basic template of CBT techniques:
1. What is the trigger/situation?
2. What are your thoughts in response to that event?
3. What are your emotions and how would you rate them (1-10)?
4. What behaviors will you perform?
5. What are the consequences of these behaviors?

When I fall deeper into my intellectual consumption:
1. The essay is the trigger that catalyzed this whole situation.
2. In doing a little research for this essay, I got extremely enthusiastic and competitive - competitive with myself in what I can learn and master.
3. I felt enthusiasm and excitement over this little endeavor. Maybe overly so in that I have 9 tabs opened related to it, and it's probably going to end up being a mini essay in the end. It won't be a formal research paper that's for sure. I'm not quite sure to rate my emotions.
4. When I notice that I'm in the grip of all this, I'll stand up and do breathing exercises centered around the gut.*
5. In doing the above, I'll keep myself grounded and mindful.

*I made a deal with myself - Before I do any research/reading, I'll do 1 hour of cleaning (yes my room is that bad at the moment). Once this whole cleaning project gets accomplished, I'll eventually move onto exercising.

[Mahat]

hahaha you're welcome!

[Mahat]

A Poison Tree ???????by William Blake
I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I watered it in fears
Night and morning with my tears,
And I sunned it with smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright,
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,--

And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning, glad, I see
My foe outstretched beneath the tree.

--My psyche when untreated

[Mahat]

Hear The Voice

[Mahat]

Moved to the Mind subforum.

[Mahat]

I can take it
Sideways
Sometimes
Some things
Waves
Feel like
I'm on the other side
Of every feeling ever felt
Hold it close
... Screaming
I've watched this scene a thousand times

(so) I can taste it
And in my head

This is how it all begins
Yes, I am becoming
And this is how it all begins
What did you expect?
This is not an exit
This has begun

The blackest eyes
... Welcoming...
I can almost see
The new flesh
A new disguise
Please

Give it to me
I can take it

Give it to me
I can take it

[Mahat]

I find comfort in work to some degree even if I'm bored with it and view it as beneath me since it's blue collar type of work. Thankfully it's only a temporary job, but what I do like about it is that it's mechanical, and I enjoy tearing apart and putting machines back together and focusing on the process and parts. I'm extremely task-oriented, and I can have issues with coworkers who are more people-oriented especially when it effects my work. There's one woman at work who when I train her on certain equipment, she wants to chit chat. I don't mind talking about the task at hand but chit chat about people's lives doesn't interest (unless they're friends or people I'm interested in). But she's too busy fraternizing that it can get in the way of efficiency. She's too busy trying to be the cool mom instead of, I don't know, doing work that needs to be done. I almost feel like the fraternizing is a way to ingratiate herself so she can get away with less work. Anyways, even when I was at my lowest and on the verge of crying at work (because of personal issues), I still went to work and kept my composure. I can channel my feelings into tinkering with machines, and the more complicated the machine, the better.

[Mahat]

?
Last Monday my therapist and I made a chart. If it's hard to read, the top left quadrant is maladaptive coping skills I have (1). The top right one is adaptive coping skills I'm currently doing (2). The lower left are obstacles to what is meaningful (3). The lower right is what's meaningful to me/values (4). This was made in maybe 5-10 minutes so it's definitely not finished.

To add on:
1) Maladaptive
a. Dwelling on anger
b. Vegging out on TV shows and other distractions

2) Adaptive
a. Morning meditations
b. Establishing a consistent sleep/wake schedule which includes having certain morning and night routines
c. Setting up mini goals/projects to accomplish
d. The last two are still tough for me since I'm still in the habit of being listless but I feel much better after I try them.

3) Obstacles To a Meaningful Life
a. Everything that's listed in #1
b. Not focusing on the main goals in my life. However...at the moment focusing on little goals helps me reach the bigger ones.

4) Values
a. Success
b. Being in line with my ideal self
c. Living passionately
d. knowledge and wisdom - enlightenment not just through study but through lived experience
e. Eventual alignment of my career and personal values

[Mahat]

hopefully the chart will stay up this time

[Mahat]

[Mahat]

I sometimes question the competency of mental health professionals. With all that education and those fancy certificates, some still haven't manage to have a genuine understanding of the psyche. In some ways, some aspects of the psyche still elude them. Yesterday I attended my weekly CBT session. My therapist, whom I like, mentioned that she couldn't reconcile my desire to hurt others and my low self-esteem and self-critical nature; it didn't quite make sense to her. She also wanted to do more assessments on me in order to decipher what's really going on. I think part of my malaise stems from high testosterone (which still needs to get tested). But back to her comment. What's there to reconcile? Maybe it's easy for me understand because I'm in my own mind, but it doesn't take much of a logical leap to connect the two. I guess an explanation is due.

Since I was very young, I've always had sadistic tendencies that got expressed with varying degrees of intensity and malice. The intensity of my anger and desire to hurt others coincided with the severity of my pathology. It comes to no surprised, and one fed the intensity of the other. My sense of control waned, and the more I lose control of myself, the more desperate I am in grasping any semblance of control. And I for one, am very much a grasper. I grasp for control. For any shred of integrity. For any sense of self-regard. For any spark of inner vitality. And in order to deal with the crushing reality of who I really am, and the anger at myself for not being the best in every facet of my life, I externalized my anger. It was a way to expand my ego, to make myself the center of the universe. The GOD of the universe. A god that unflinchingly and gleefully sends her flock to the slaughter because she can and she wills it.

I see them all lined up
Like naked children at the wall
Their skin is hanging off in sheets
Each face is painted like a whore
Their blood is shining in the sun
Their wounds are powdered with white salt
Their lips are shaping silent words:
I see my name as it spills out
I see them walking on their knees
Led in a chain by laughing girls
I see them sucking on the dirt
As if inhaling the whole world
And one by one their throats are c
And each one sings his choking song
And each one sings his lullaby
And each one falls and then he's gone
And I feel good
Yeah I feel fine
And I feel good:
I've been waiting far too long...
I see their bodies in the pyre
Leaking black smoke into the flames
And all the people stand around
Shaping lips into my name
And soon the sun begins to sink
Behind a wall of dirty air
I see their bones there in the pile
And taste the smell of burning hair
And all the children howl for milk
The rain spits down a million knives
I see you running through the field
I see you running for your useless life
I feel you choking on your tongue
I feel your breath attack your chest
The dogs are ripping at your feet
I see you bleeding out your happiness
And I feel good
Yeah I feel fine
And I feel good:
I finally got back what was always
Rightfully mine

The will to power in an sordid affair with thanatos. I yearned for others' destruction as I fed on their blood and sucked their life essence. Through their destruction my rebirth will commence in blood and pain as I emerge as the new maleficent God of the universe. Their blood and pain is a mirror image of my own blood and pain which they shall experience tenfold. The streets and sea shall run red and buildings set aflame and asunder. The screams of the damned shall fill the earth.

[Mahat]

I do think most of my self-worth sentiments are internally imposed (for the most part). For example, I wish I was thinner since that's more attractive and elegant, but I hate exercising and I have trouble getting into an exercise routine therefore I'm lazy and weak-willed, and that means I'm not exceptional and worthy. My looks are not up to standard, and I don't have the will to lose weight. This type of logic can apply to anything. I haven't settled into a career yet, therefore it reflects negatively on me. I couldn't get admitted into a prestigious university, therefore I'm not that intelligent. And so on so forth. I'm essentially trying to prove my reason for existence to myself.

[Mahat]

And a lot of my therapy sessions involves correcting that type of thinking. Ironically the more "accepting" of myself, the more likely I am able to accomplish the things I want. Plus getting a good hold on my daily routines builds self-efficacy which leads to higher self-esteem.

[Mahat]

Ah I see ok. Though I had stable and happy childhood/upbringing, when my mother would get mad at me, she would lay hell on me. Telling me that I'm worthless, weak, a burden, etc. On top of that, she would sometimes do it in a maliciously taunting way. I know deep down she loves, and she was reacting in the heat of the moment, but I can't help but think that she genuinely mean those words. As a child I was considered fairly intelligent and high-achieving. I didn't just do it for the approval and praise, but I also had a competitive streak. I loved being at the top echelons, however those echelons are measured or were measuring. But since I was a teen, it seemed like I had fallen from grace especially when I was college when I had to take multiple medical leaves for major depression. That era really was a huge catalyst in me developing a more negative self-image. I never had the best self-image to begin with, but those events really clinched it for me. And from then on, I've really internalized my mother's words. I also fell into a toxic relationship at that time.

[Mahat]

https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-comm...e-distortions/

[Mahat]

It is interesting. When typed correctly, you can hone in on a particular cognitive distortion or a cluster of cog distortions, and work on those. That's one benefit I can potentially see from enneagram.

[Mahat]

" filtering out all the negative aspects--isn't considered a cognitive distortion." - I noticed this too...maybe this shows a bias in our culture

[Mahat]

My CBT therapist wanted me get further looked at to see what's actually going on with me. Today, I started my assessment with another psychiatrist. This was an interview intake and my official assessment will be held on March 31st. By the end of the interview, he said that I features of borderline personality disorder rather than full blown bipolar II, with the caveat that I haven't taken the test yet, so we technically don't know yet. Five years ago I was admitted to the psychiatrist because I was a danger to myself and others. The events that preceded my hospitalizations was that I was in a paranoid rage and I was screaming and throwing stuff in my therapist's office. This happened twice, so the second time was the clincher. Anyways the psychiatrist at the hospital diagnosed me with BPD. At the time, my therapist, physician, and I felt dubious about the diagnosis. I don't necessarily fit the classic description of a borderline especially since I haven't experienced trauma. And as far as I know, BPD is a response to trauma that even some experts want to rename it Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

But I must mention...

Between birth and age 7, I was shuffled between various households - Biological parents, then grandparents and uncles, then dad and his female roommate/friend, then back to grandparents and uncles, then single mom, and then from age 7 to the last year of high school, my mom and stepdad (who are now divorced and are with different people). Though I've never experienced these events as traumatic, I don't look back and think "geez that was shitty", but these events could've left some unconscious trauma in me. During those transition years and when I first lived with my mom permanently, I was anxious to gain her approval. Not only did I not see her much, she was also volatile and got angry very easily, so I had to constantly track her moods and try not to be a "burden." I only really feel worthwhile is when I'm not only achieving but give the illusion of success and self-possession. To me these signifiers are testaments to me being exceptional and I guess, superior. But knowing that I haven't really achieved anything of worth or anything special, the illusion rests on shaky foundations. I'm afraid that lovers and loved ones will see the more human side of me, and be turned off. The side of me that just woke up in the morning, the side of me that's naked and exposed, a nakedness that reveals gross imperfection. My darkness can be glamorized and mystified but the side of me that shits, eats, and drools when I sleep is unacceptable. I want to be beyond human. And in order to stave off rejection and abandonment, I have to be that. But I don't want to get too far ahead of myself since I'm not officially diagnosed yet.

[Mahat]

Now that phone is fixed, I have worksheets I've been meaning to share with you guys. Later on I'll post them.

[Mahat]

Some worksheets my therapist gave me