Mental Health Log

[Mahat]

These days my anger has subsided considerably. The anger that I've felt in the past I would've described as a depressed anger. People commonly see anger as expansive and motivating, but no, not mine. It was a self-cannibalizing, imploding, and immobilizing type of anger. Imagine being too fatigued to do anything yet you have all of this violence inside of you. So not only are you initially angry at whatever, you're now angry at your own castration. I couldn't fully express my violence and aggression.


I had 3 days off of work and within those 3 days, I was ruminating on various malaise that have been haunting me. The anger got rekindled but thankfully not to the point that I couldn't function. But what frustrates me is that I don't know what to do with it. I could channel it into this enneagram project, but that feels dissatisfying to me. That's what I would naturally do, but that's not enough. I'd rather sit with it and express it to the greatest impact.

. . . . . . . . . .

I'm not entirely impressed with people tout themselves to be naturally calm, collected, and neutral. What internal war have they overcame? What tension have they resolved? To me it's like fearlessness without overcoming the fear. How do they know true peace and calm if they haven't let themselves experience their own violence and intensity? Maybe I'm being presumptuous but to me it feels like they're running away from something. They haven't earned their peace. It's like the sannyasin or monk who renounces the world without initially being in it. What's there to renounce? There's no nobility in that.

[Mahat]

Since my diagnosis, I've been thinking about it and its implications. I genuinely think my personality is not that disordered to warrant a diagnosis and here's why. I agree with the depression diagnosis since depression has had debilitating effects on my quality of life. These more disordered personality characteristics come to the fore when I'm depressed. At our worst, we share some clusters of characteristics from these personality disorders. The shadow exerts its greatest influence. But once I'm on meds and do counseling, these characteristics do-intensify and don't sabotage me. My personality neurosis could easily be explained away with enneagram since in my unhealthy states I'm fairly typical and average for my type. There's also a pragmatic reason for diagnoses - the insurance companies need a diagnosis in order to cover my meds,

[Mahat]

I got the results of my psychological test today. It was testing a combination of cognitive and emotional processing. On the emotional component, my results indicated that I have a combination of depressive disorder and a personality disorder non-specified with borderline and obsessive-compulsive personality features. The cognitive component bode well though. On the vocabulary part, I got high above average and on the non-verbal problem solving part, I was in the superior range.

[Mahat]

[Mahat]

Yesterday, I facetimed my mom and her new husband. They looked so happy, healthy, and radiant that I wanted to cry because I was so touched and overwhelmed by how much genuine positivity they were radiating. All of the the angst and lingering grudges I had disappeared when I spoke with them. I guess being reminded of their love and care made me realize that in the end while I still need to work through whatever demons I have, I know deep down they love me and I love them. It made me grateful for the them and the people in my life. But most importantly, I felt deep remorse. Deep remorse for the fact that I entertained the thought of hurting my mom and the pain that it would cause my family, both old and new. I'm so thankful that I sought help when I did; who knows what would've happened to me and others if I didn't do what I needed to do.

[Mahat]

Some worksheets my therapist gave me

[Mahat]

Now that phone is fixed, I have worksheets I've been meaning to share with you guys. Later on I'll post them.

[Mahat]

My CBT therapist wanted me get further looked at to see what's actually going on with me. Today, I started my assessment with another psychiatrist. This was an interview intake and my official assessment will be held on March 31st. By the end of the interview, he said that I features of borderline personality disorder rather than full blown bipolar II, with the caveat that I haven't taken the test yet, so we technically don't know yet. Five years ago I was admitted to the psychiatrist because I was a danger to myself and others. The events that preceded my hospitalizations was that I was in a paranoid rage and I was screaming and throwing stuff in my therapist's office. This happened twice, so the second time was the clincher. Anyways the psychiatrist at the hospital diagnosed me with BPD. At the time, my therapist, physician, and I felt dubious about the diagnosis. I don't necessarily fit the classic description of a borderline especially since I haven't experienced trauma. And as far as I know, BPD is a response to trauma that even some experts want to rename it Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

But I must mention...

Between birth and age 7, I was shuffled between various households - Biological parents, then grandparents and uncles, then dad and his female roommate/friend, then back to grandparents and uncles, then single mom, and then from age 7 to the last year of high school, my mom and stepdad (who are now divorced and are with different people). Though I've never experienced these events as traumatic, I don't look back and think "geez that was shitty", but these events could've left some unconscious trauma in me. During those transition years and when I first lived with my mom permanently, I was anxious to gain her approval. Not only did I not see her much, she was also volatile and got angry very easily, so I had to constantly track her moods and try not to be a "burden." I only really feel worthwhile is when I'm not only achieving but give the illusion of success and self-possession. To me these signifiers are testaments to me being exceptional and I guess, superior. But knowing that I haven't really achieved anything of worth or anything special, the illusion rests on shaky foundations. I'm afraid that lovers and loved ones will see the more human side of me, and be turned off. The side of me that just woke up in the morning, the side of me that's naked and exposed, a nakedness that reveals gross imperfection. My darkness can be glamorized and mystified but the side of me that shits, eats, and drools when I sleep is unacceptable. I want to be beyond human. And in order to stave off rejection and abandonment, I have to be that. But I don't want to get too far ahead of myself since I'm not officially diagnosed yet.

[Mahat]

" filtering out all the negative aspects--isn't considered a cognitive distortion." - I noticed this too...maybe this shows a bias in our culture

[Mahat]

It is interesting. When typed correctly, you can hone in on a particular cognitive distortion or a cluster of cog distortions, and work on those. That's one benefit I can potentially see from enneagram.

[Mahat]

https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-comm...e-distortions/

[Mahat]

Ah I see ok. Though I had stable and happy childhood/upbringing, when my mother would get mad at me, she would lay hell on me. Telling me that I'm worthless, weak, a burden, etc. On top of that, she would sometimes do it in a maliciously taunting way. I know deep down she loves, and she was reacting in the heat of the moment, but I can't help but think that she genuinely mean those words. As a child I was considered fairly intelligent and high-achieving. I didn't just do it for the approval and praise, but I also had a competitive streak. I loved being at the top echelons, however those echelons are measured or were measuring. But since I was a teen, it seemed like I had fallen from grace especially when I was college when I had to take multiple medical leaves for major depression. That era really was a huge catalyst in me developing a more negative self-image. I never had the best self-image to begin with, but those events really clinched it for me. And from then on, I've really internalized my mother's words. I also fell into a toxic relationship at that time.

[Mahat]

And a lot of my therapy sessions involves correcting that type of thinking. Ironically the more "accepting" of myself, the more likely I am able to accomplish the things I want. Plus getting a good hold on my daily routines builds self-efficacy which leads to higher self-esteem.

[Mahat]

I do think most of my self-worth sentiments are internally imposed (for the most part). For example, I wish I was thinner since that's more attractive and elegant, but I hate exercising and I have trouble getting into an exercise routine therefore I'm lazy and weak-willed, and that means I'm not exceptional and worthy. My looks are not up to standard, and I don't have the will to lose weight. This type of logic can apply to anything. I haven't settled into a career yet, therefore it reflects negatively on me. I couldn't get admitted into a prestigious university, therefore I'm not that intelligent. And so on so forth. I'm essentially trying to prove my reason for existence to myself.

[Mahat]

Roshan I was displacing my anger at other people, though most of the time it gets manifested as brooding. And no one told me that I wasn't best in every facet of my live, it was something I've told myself. I have deep shame about my lack of notable accomplishments, and how far I am from my ideal image. My ideal image is something to hard to put in words. That collage in the Ideal Image Collage thread would be it, and I'm going to do an analysis of it on that thread (not an enneagram one but an explanation of the symbols). I am what I've accomplished, and I don't think it's up to standard. The reason why this is important to me because being accomplished is a testament to one's intelligence, will, and strength, so what do I have to show for? I have a lot of drive and ambition, but there's a tension between those and my inherent inertia.