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What Do You Look For In A Romantic Partner?

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    What Do You Look For In A Romantic Partner?

    Are there certain traits or physical attributes you seek out?

    I wrote this post years ago right before Daeva and I started talking one on one. I had asked people to post a picture of their ideal partner, physically. I posted a Native American buy who, unbeknownst to me, looked a lot like Daeva aside from the skin color! And I still stand by it.

    The link on my website is here:

    I’m not attracted to what society generally finds attractive in terms of personality. Looks plays a part in that too but I will get to that.

    Example 1: I need a guy who is friends with his rage. I want to taste his anger and I want him to taste mine. That does not mean picking petty fights. I do want respect and patience, but I can’t stand it when people do not feel their own emotions. That said there’s also a balance – I have a zero-tolerance policy for violence. In my experience, someone comfortable with his rage is less likely to be violent. People who bottle it up might get violent at unexpected times.

    Example 2: I am drawn to men with sad eyes. I love that release of emotion. I don’t like things that are fake and contained, and I don’t like people who are dead inside, unable to feel their own pain.

    Example 3: I’m not attracted to politeness, though it has its place, like at dinners with stuffy family members (not my family though, we like to laugh and argue). Out of all the people I’ve been most crazy about, any one of them would tell me when my logic makes no sense, what I’m wearing doesn’t look that great, my plot was too predictable in my book, or my song was too long. I need honesty, and I don’t want my toes sucked. I am all for praise, but I won’t buy it unless I see that it’s honest and earned.

    Example 4: I don’t want him to be too polished, or to expect that out of me. I love obsessive eating habits and workouts, but I can’t stand superficial status symbols. I am ‘so carnal it’s spiritual’ and I need someone who can appreciate that. Although I can clean up nice, it’s very hard for me to pretend to be classy and prudish on a regular basis.

    Example 5: I don’t like men who are overly sociable or involved with a social life. I need someone who sees through a lot of superficial bullshit, like social expectations, television, propaganda politics and drama between other humans. I want him to be more into himself than other people.

    Example 6: I don’t want to be overloaded with attention. I need space to do my hobbies. If I can’t sit comfortably in a room with a guy ignoring each other on our separate laptops, I will not fall for him.

    Now, what I do want.

    My descriptions might sound like I am into rude emo assholes, but that is absolutely not the case. In fact, the guys i have fallen hard for, most people would call adorable and innocent. I fall for the sweet ones, the ones with tons of compassion, huge hearts and lots of feelings. Yet this is why I emphasize honest expression: it’s impossible to know compassion without knowing one’s own darker side too.

    I need someone who loves animals, feels connected to his true nature, who loves his fantasies, who ravages his thoughts whole. I need someone alive, who appreciates life. It can come in the form of sex, being in nature, art, questioning the meaning of things, trying to understand physics, hunting their own meat, building their own home or a myriad of other things. I don’t care what his passion is as long as it breathes life into him.

    So, my fascination with Native American culture might make sense then. I love the connectivity to the Earth, the openness to nature. I love the concept that they use every part of the animals they hunt and appreciate what they are consuming. I love that sensitivity. I love crying flutes and wild tribal drums and warrior dances that express darkness. There are ideas about releasing rage. I love the connectivity with our true nature and everything that makes us human and animal.

    Everything is symbolic. Nothing is just looks.

    That said I am very attuned to beauty and what it evokes in my mind. A strong jaw feels manly to me. Big lips are sensuous and inviting, like he could caress me or devour me. I love big hands, how they feel. I love how a certain body type fits against mine. I love how motion expresses who people are, in general, and I am attuned to how a man moves. I love long hair, an extension of one’s wildness. I love any expression of honest sadness, fear, shame, rage or hope. I love expressive eyes. I love life.

    I was resurrected from the undead about a decade ago. I was a vampire once myself, feeding on the blood and innocence of the living. I hungered for life even then, but I could only find it outside of myself. I could drink it in, but I could not give it back. I know too well that it is not a state you can rescue someone from. Someone has to make that choice, on their own, and resurrect themselves by the very light of their own dreams. Of course, others can inspire and help along the way – but life has to come from within.

    Anyone who is dead inside cannot understand me. Nobody can understand me in full because they have not been where I’ve been, but at least the living can understand me now. I don’t want to date most of the human species because most of them do not taste life the way I do. They do not feel the rhythm of the world, the depth of their pain, the fire of their appetite. They resent me for being too sensitive, for bleeding, for having blood at all.

    I have serious blocks against making myself vulnerable to rejection, so I need to be with someone who inherently understands this, without too much ado, because he is the same way. If I am not seen, and loved, for who I am, I would rather be alone.


    • Animal
      Animal commented
      Editing a comment
      Also wanted to add,

      I never started with a list of traits, but just found myself deeply attracted to the same type of guy over and over. Any time I was drawn to a different type of guy, it didn't work out as well, and the draw was never quite as powerful to begin with. I'm not just drawn to an amazing person (which would be like admiring a celebrity) but also to a dynamic between me and that person. For whatever it's worth I'm very attuned to these dynamics between others, too.

      The type of man that grabs me by the core is highly specific. Now that I've studied enneagram for a while, it has struck me that not only do the three men I wanted the most deeply, all have a similar look ... but also, they were all 6w5s with 9 fix and Soc last. I got help from my group in typing them all separately, never expecting such an exact pattern! Also, at least two are TiSe, and the third might be as well. Contrarily, men I was attracted to for a short time but romance didn't work - yet we maintained excellent, deep friendships - was mostly 9s and 5w6s. I've also seen that consistently, I've been most romantically drawn to women on the 1/2 corner - but in comparison I've had much less experience with deep attraction to women.

      I would never, no matter what, EVER select a mate based on some system - like enneagram, CT, or astrology. It's not my style at all, and I am very slow to type people anyway. I know who I want, who I love, and how long it will last, and who will want who more, deep in my gut pretty much right away. I've always been like that. So I have no reason to use a system to guess anything, but I find the connections in retrospect to be extremely interesting!

      I had no idea what Daeva looked like when I first sensed it deep in my bones that I was going to fall madly in love with him. In fact, in his case we didn't even need to 'fall in love.' It was as though we had always been together, always would be, and that was it. There was not much pursuing especially once we met in person. It was just acknowledging that our souls had been married for countless lifetimes and so we might as well put an official document on it and get him a green card so we never have to be apart. <3 . But it was only after that, that he saw photos of my ex from two decades before and said "Wow, he looks just like me!"

      Of course, I had noticed that energetically these three men had something in common, when you compare them to the grand scheme of all men in the world; but individually, they all seem so different from each other, and my feelings for each was a very different experience. But it's clear that this is the general 'archetype' that works best for me, even though of course, the experiences were not equal or the same.

      I'm going to write a separate post that is more specific and personal, to describe exactly what this dynamic is and why it works so well with my soulmate, but this pattern intrigues me so much that I wanted to post it. I also see similar patterns in others. Thus unfolds the rhythm of the world. <3

    Romance seems to find me even if I protest against it... Today I am faced with a man who wants me to want to marry him, and I love him, but I am scared of marriage...He sees my fear as cold and calculated simply because I don't want to get married unless we have a child. Maybe if I was totally past the age where having a child was possible, I would be romantic in the way he wants me to be... Anyhow, I feel like I am being unfair, though, not clear how. What do I look for? Well, number one I look for the ability to get absorbed into his eyes, to see the unknown corners and still feel safe. I look for someone who knows himself well and can look inside me the way he looks inside himself. I like angelic features and irregularities, on the taller side, fast-thinking, good cuddler, messy hair, good bone structure, kissable mouth, dimples come with the smile, a sincere laugh, good smell (especially where the hair meets the back of the neck), somewhere between a fox and a bear....Super smart but modest is key... not afraid of symbolism and spirituality but not religious. A dark sense of humor and absurd spontaneity mixed with a detective of emotions and human behavior... I am also deeply attracted to men that like to build things and make stuff themselves, mercurial yet trustworthy, can code switch... Remembers the 90s, Has a past but is not stuck in it. Can dominate me with one touch. Inspire me with one word. Love me with one glance. Nourish me with one meal and a man who never wants to break me, but rather, really challenges me. I want a man I can heal, comfort, inspire, trust, intuit and grow with.
    Last edited by Rachel Krause; 12-10-2019, 08:00 AM.


      Used to have an imaginary bf as a kid... 🔫 the cringe is real.
      He didn't have any specific physical characteristics, but is the kind that'd drag me along to do stuff together, just the two of us. And puts me on high priority cuz in matter of principle I put partner above all else so it'd be kinda awkward if the other didn't. The typical "will move mountains for love" stuff of folklore.

      On the bright side all the daydreaming did give me a good idea of what kind of person to want in a romantic relationship.... so I can say that my romantic life was pretty.... efficient XD. I knew exactly what I wanted so all I had to was to find it.

      Reject count: >20
      Accept count: 1

      It does have a few problems tho, I know what I want because I spent years figuring it out. Had a pretty FML moment a few years back when I realized that not many do the same so there'd be little guarantee that I'm what my partner wants.

      Guess we'll see in a few decades how well it works out???? Lol.

      Physical features wise I'm not attracted to light hair or light eyes (even medium brown is kinda pushing it). Also don't really like a noticeable pink/red tone to the skin. Past that it'd depend on how the features fit together rather than the individual features themselves.
      "If you are God, and the delusion becomes reality,
      About what kind of the noids you get?
      Is it the sensual world? The despotic society?
      The destructive sanctions?

      -Chaos;Head title screen


        Dark hair. Eyes, lips, figure, voice. Mind, heart, soul. I've been drawn to so many different kinds of women throughout the years though. They at the very least have to appreciate the arts and be intelligent. Sexy and hot over cute, but even that is up for debate. Mostly have been attracted to brunettes, black haired and red haired women. Usually drawn to introverts, but not always. Type wise, INFPs, ESFPs, ISFPs and ENFPs.

        Either really feminine women or real like badass tomboy kinda women. Tough women or soft women. A mix of both maybe. I'm attracted to both extremes. Tough women seem to relate to me better, probably because they've also been through some shit. Takes one to know one, something like that.

        Intense women. Intense heart, looks, the way she lives, how she loves, how she makes love, something about her has to be intense.


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          Last edited by Animal; 12-12-2019, 01:42 PM.


          • Animal
            Animal commented
            Editing a comment
            Additional notes:

            The celebrities I pictured above, I had pictures of them on my wall for a time, because I was attracted to them. Marilyn Manson less so - I was into his music deeply and I put up his pics among a few other favorites, but I did find him alone to be hot. Whereas Johnny Depp and Jeff Beck each were the sole occupant of my romantic fantasies for a period of time.

            There were other celebrities I obsessed over for short periods, but never on that level. Viggo Mortensen (specifically as Aragorn), Jeff Martin (though this also involved a lot of 'I see myself in him'), Jared Leto (this isn't sexual as much as envy and seeing myself in him). The first two are 9s and Leto is 9 fixed, but 3 leading.

            I obsessed over Trent Reznor because I felt affinity with his music, but even when I was writing him hate letters and writing songs about what his music did for me, I never was sexually attracted to him in the slightest. I also found John Lennon fascinating and felt drawn to his inner world, but found myself only very slightly attracted. Barely. Those are both 5s.

            This is pretty consistent with my real life. I have dated 9s who I was very attracted to, but it kind of fizzled out or didn't quite hit the spot over time. I've also been incredibly close with 5s, and shared artistic exploration the way that I did in my one-sided exploration with Trent and John Lennon - except with the 5s I actually know, it goes both ways and we explore together, adding shape and substance to each other's mindscape. These relationships can be incredibly deep but not sexual at all, even if the 5 is attractive to other women.

            But the ones that really grab me by the core are always the 6w5s, always have been, and always will be - although my husband grabbed my core so deep now that it's occupied for life. <3

            What I find most fascinating is that there's consistency in my patterns, not just who I'm physically attracted to, but also that I connect with real people in a similar way that my imagination connects to my vision of these celebs. I've never been one to REALLY obsess over a celeb. Aside from Trent Reznor (which was more about coming to terms with my voice loss), I don't write songs about them or write letters. I have never sent a letter to any. If I met them in person, I would realize that I don't know them and I wouldn't have any weird expectations. I'm not unrealistic but my mind kind of...goes to a place of mythology and symbolism, and transforms this attraction into a fictional character. I know, and FEEL, the difference between the character and real life. Nonetheless, I do tend to fall into the same patterns of attraction with real people in my real life. There's no gap here, on an archetypal level. So I find that interesting because I notice that many people have a huge gap between what draws them in their fantasy world and what actually fits in their life. I don't.

            I can pine and pine and pine for someone that I can't have (not celebs but someone I've known and loved)... but when it comes down to it, the person on the other end DOES have something archetypal that I genuinely fit with. The obsession may be mythologized in my separate world, far beyond the reality; but I don't mistake it for reality*, and also, the subject of the obsession is never arbitrary. The need for that archetype to be present in my life will always present itself. And it did, over and over until my ideal made his way into my life. I don't idealize my husband at all, as I know his darkness, his suffering, his humanity, his brokenness.... but my 'ideal man' was never a 'perfect idol.' It was always someone with a realistic personality makeup, and one that fits well with mine. Which is why I was able to find him.

            * Note: "I don't mistake it for reality" but my reality is my inner world, more so than Earth. So I don't need to.
            Last edited by Animal; 12-12-2019, 02:33 PM.

          Hmm, I always just fantasize about rape, so when it comes to what I want out of romance I'm kind of at a loss. Even though I've tried to develop other kinds of fantasies, or searched for something similar in reality that would be more healthy (used to be curious about BDSM but a lot of it is actually rather boring).

          Not good at describing physical stuff, but I like... slender. And I generally go better with someone cool-headed, since I'm rather emotional myself. At the same time, I do like some vulnerability. Being with a rock doesn't seem very appealing. =P But that's the point of sex, you get to see them in a state of vulnerability that is hot.
          Last edited by [redacted]; 12-29-2019, 01:52 PM.


          • Animal
            Animal commented
            Editing a comment
            I'm not personally into BDSM but just saying :P

          • [redacted]
            [redacted] commented
            Editing a comment
            well it's a matter of personal taste, but I was talking about how I feel about it. talking about rules is a turn-off either way.

          • [redacted]
            [redacted] commented
            Editing a comment
            and I have looked into this quite a bit so I don't need it explained to me, I just haven't found much that appeal to me

          My problem is... to be honest, I don't really want to connect with anyone. I just want to possess someone, but you can never actually possess another person, and that makes me feel helpless.


          • Roshan
            Roshan commented
            Editing a comment
            Do you feel more or less helpless the more unavailable your chosen target of possession is?

          • [redacted]
            [redacted] commented
            Editing a comment
            Well, I don’t have much experience to be honest but I remember with my ex I was excited to finally have someone I could have that sort of dynamic with, where someone feels receptive enough that I’m even able to develop feelings like that. Most of the time there’s like a mental block where I can’t really think of someone that way because they feel unavailable. Like often with guys, even when they say they are interested they don’t feel very receptive or available and I think that’s part of the reason I’ve rarely fallen for anyone outside of fictional characters, lol.

            Although with the guy I’m currently obsessed with it’s funny since he’s so out of reach... felt like I was completely cut-off for the past several months but even when I wasn’t it seemed too one-sided in a way. Now it helps that there seemed to be some potential there at first but even so… It’s likely a combination that I miss having something like this after things went downhill with my ex, and also I wanted to see if I could handle it in a way. Like the whole thing was such a source of anxiety if I could overcome that it would be an upgrade, but I spent almost the entirety of last year feeling like I wanted to die, so in the end I didn’t handle it that well… Well.

            (And I realize I haven’t actually said much about how I want the guy to be like, but it feels kind of embarrassing especially when I barely feel like I’m able to have a relationship in the first place… But maybe I’ll get to that eventually =P)

          I like women who are (in no particular order):
          • easygoing,
          • supportive,
          • respectful (as in, not having a bitchy/difficult attitude because you're trying to act like a "boss b*tc#"),
          • patient (no, i cannot be with you/text you everyday, I'm genuinely really busy at work - but I'll make time),
          • mindful (as in, I may not show them all the time, but yes, I have feelings too, and they matter just as much as yours)
          • playful (let's hang out, have fun and be silly)
          • willing to listen to my opinion (why be in a relationship with an ENTJ if you're just going to ignore everything I know/say?)
          • loyal (I'm territorial as fuck, I make no apologies for that)
          In turn, I bring stereotypical ENTJ benefits to a relationship. I wouldn't expect this to be a one-sided affair.
          Last edited by DAPHNE XO; 02-14-2020, 02:33 PM.


          • Animal
            Animal commented
            Editing a comment
            Lol I hear you on being territorial =]