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    Animal's Astrology Diary

    I've been exploring my chart and writing things in various places, so I figured I'd post my rants here as they come up. This way I'll have them all in one place and can keep track of my thoughts and progress.

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    #2
    Here was a rant from chat, about how my chiron ties into my enneagram and my deep struggles. I cleaned it up a little for the post.
    ___

    RALA told me a couple years ago that Taurus was connected to the throat and it might be about my voice - and that was what enticed me to look into astrology.

    My chiron is painful because my pipeline to Earth is my self expression. My voice was my primary vehicle for this before I got sick and lost my voice forever. The chiron is connected to throat, so when I lost my voice, I lost my self expression. It makes sense it's at Taurus, on the opposite side of most of my signs except Moon. It shows the HUGE disconnect.

    Taurus is connected to Venus, and my voice was finely honed and was considered beautiful in a way that no other part of me ever will be. As a LIBRA IN 8TH with Scorpio Mercury - who used my voice to transform my libido and passion into beauty and make it manifest through the voice - this was an irreparable disconnect. Any singer losing their voice is tragic but this was all I had. With my tritype, I put all my eggs in one basket and charge forward. With 4 leading I had one identity I knew as a child. I was left with nothing. Merely an animal.

    In a way I worship animals and see them as MORE than humans and thats the metaphor too, like I'm something beyond and something more primal at once; but also I am essentially separate from the world of humans. If cant make Erosia manifest then I only get MORE self absorbed in trying to find a way to do it. When I was singing, my attitude was more involved. I had my thing 'down, ' practiced it every day, honed my craft and had a vision that was coming to life - then I was also present with others. The "pipeline" to Earth was my voice; now theres no pipeline. So my stories, visions, music - are trapped inside, unseen and unknown; my heart and passion isolated.

    And thats why all these people claiming "I don't know who I am" aren't fours. Fours need to express the identity they already know they have. The frustration is about the disconnect between who they are and how they fail to communicate it. I understand the argument that this identity may be false or arbitrary, but it's subjective and personal, so that is irrelevant. Things like love, identity, God, etc - don't exist to us unless we believe in them. Anything that makes life beautiful and fulfilling could be philosophized away by some nihilsit saying nothing really exists. And I half agree. It's not about if it REALLY exists, it's about how you want to live your life and focus your energy. Because beauty and emotion clearly "exist" as much as anything can, so if I can tap into the beauty and emotion at the heart of all humanity, then my life is worth living. There are other things to make life worth living TOO, but that one is mine. So I really don't see the point in asking, does identity really exist? It's subjective. The end. Does God exist? Does love? You can debate it for eons but then miss the beauty and passion right in front of you. And THAT is why four is romantic. There are other types that may be more classically romantic TOWARD OTHERS, but four has a romance with honing the beauty of identity and its expression. And this is why I keep saying four is SEPARATE on the opposite end of the enneagram than 9, which may seek universal truth.

    The world inside me is beautiful and fulfilling but I cant make it incarnate. Taurus is the earthly manifestation of beauty, and having a Chiron there- for me - is basically four's discomfort with being incarnate.

    Beyond that, my chiron in Taurus is smack in the middle between 2nd and 3rd house. The second is about material possessions and security. My vocal cords are material, but I also had a lucrative career in music before I got sick. I had 10k saved up at age 15. I was going places and I knew exactly where. I was not just some rock singer; I had a classically trained voice and could have done anything from commercials to Broadway. But my own music was taking off also. Having lost not only my voice, but my health in general (not to mention 50k per year medical bills, even with insurance), I've had trouble building any semblance of financial security, despite my determination.

    The third house is about communication - which was cut off by losing my voice. This stops me not only from singing but also from communicating with anyone anywhere outside my quiet house or the internet, because when you're out in public there's a lot of noise and it's impossible to be heard. There's also stuff with siblings in 3rd. The birth of my brother - who is a Taurus himself - caused me to act badly when I was very young. I was envious, abandoned, betrayed. This is normal for a kid who is exactly 2.5 years old apparently, but I hated myself for it for many decades and it also caused issues in my early family life. Around age 8 I said I wasn't going to be mean to him anymore and I never was again. So I did fix the problem, but really he's the only person I've been unnecessarily mean to. I have ignored people, forgotten about them, and been too self absorbed to be 'good,' but I have rarely been mean otherwise. And I still live with that guilt.

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    • RALA
      RALA commented
      Editing a comment
      Your Chiron is also opposing your Mercury in the 8th house pretty tightly I think the way you recorded your album after you lost your voice is a perfect picture of a Phoenix rising from the ashes ♥ (8th house theme)

    #3
    What got me interested in making the Asteroid & Love Aseroid threads is that my asteroids were so accurate! My Eros is in Scorpio 8th House. I am Eros embodied... prove me wrong.

    Ok, ok - with such strong Scorpio and 8th, to be more specific, my Eros is doused in death-rebirth energy, which is the deepest spirit of Eros - and I have always tapped into that energy, embodied it and explored it in art, even when I didn't know it existed outside of myself in studies like Astrology or Archetypes. I have been, and always will be, Erosian Exile. To show what I posted elsewhere:

    Also to speak more about my connection to Eros, it is THE central theme in my life. My band is called Erosian Exile. My home planet is called Erosia. I came up with this myself, though I found later that some video game also used Erosia as a name. My fantasy trilogy is about the birth of Erosia and all the death, rebirth and sacrifices involved. I only got into astrology the last two years; these materials of mine are life-long. https://ericaxenne.com and https://erosianexile.com lead to the same place (my website). The themes are spelled out on the first page. And these came from INSIDE ME, not from studying astrology. It was just from observing myself in my own life.

    Amazingly, Daeva 's Eros is also in Scorpio, but in 1st house, while mine are in 8th. As for aspects:

    Eros in Aspect. When Eros is prominent in the chart (for example, if Eros is conjunct the Ascendant, or if it conjuncts the Sun, Moon, Venus, or Mars), Eros themes are strong in the individual's life. Often, the individual oozes sexuality in some way. The mind is often focused on sex and infatuation.
    My Eros is aspected to Mercury, Venus, Saturn and Chiron.
    Daeva's Eros is aspected to Chiron & Pluto.


    So it makes sense I suppose that the themes of Eros show up more up front for me - in that it's aspected to Mercury (my communication, which is also in Scorpio) - and to Venus (which is important as it's related to how you love). It is also in 8th, which is scorpio/pluto energy. His Eros is not strongly aspected, although an aspect to Pluto is interesting and may add a Scorpionic "distant" hard to reach edge. His is also in the 1st house, making it more immediate and in the moment, I guess? But that being said, it makes sense why we are so intensely attracted and enamoured with each other, and why after 4 years of marriage and 5 years together, we still feel as intensely turned on as ever, if not more. And why we kill off our demons and rebirth together. It also makes sense thematically in my fiction world and Erosia's history, but I'll keep that quiet for now.

    Where Eros rules in the astrological chart—by sign, house and aspects—marks our beliefs, orientation and experiences of erotic love. This includes creative passions, transformational and sometimes taboo unions and the power of fate to manifest through intense intimacy with another. It can involve a direct experience of the divine.
    You don't say?

    We have also related to the myth of Eros and Psyche, as well as the individual characters (him Psyche, me Eros) - quite strongly. I will explore that next.
    Last edited by Animal; 01-21-2020, 07:25 PM.

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      #4
      Ok... this is just getting bizarre.

      As I revealed in the last post, Daeva 's Eros is in Scorpio, as is mine. Now I see that our Psyche asteroids are both in Gemini!!!
      Considering this romance between Eros and Psyche grabbed us by the core, spiritually and aesthetically - and felt pertinent to us, my story, our themes, even our art and enneagrams - we looked into the myth.

      But our asteroids in each are in the same position - just different houses.
      And omg, both of our Amor asteroids are in Capricorn! Whut!

      Aside from that, our charts are really quite different. Here's mine (left) and his (right) - with love asteroids.

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        #5
        "What are your favorite aspects/placements in your chart?"

        Rant from today:

        I'm not proud per se. I've lived the kind of life where I've stretched my extremes, expressed my power, and seen my vulnerability laid bare. To me, people embody an axis of potential. Your worst trait and best trait are often two sides of the same coin. For me it's my passion (power) and lust (my shadow). Lust isn't just about the body for me, it's about devouring and transforming the soul.

        I relate most to Plutonian energy, which astro.com lists as my dominant planet, surpassing Venus by a small margin. Although I'm a Libra, I've never related to 'balance' except in the sense that I balance one extreme with the other, by diving into both sides of my spectrum ALL THE WAY, and then in retrospect, I recognize these as two sides of the same coin. But in my behavior, nobody would ever see me as feminine, calm, or peacemaking. Most people guess that I'm a fire sign at a first glance, usually Aries, though I have nothing in Aries (my moon however is Pisces 1st house 0 degrees).

        I live deep inside myself. I'm highly autonomous. I do need beauty but I have never 'needed ' a relationship. No matter how many guys I devoured, no one called me a slut - instead I was known as a conquerer, a heartbreaker. It was true - I didn't get attached. I took what I want and often pined for that one perfect person in the distance, or just kept my soul sequestered in my novels and projects, all of which center around Erosia - the home planet I was exiled from. Long story short I was exiled because I could desire, but could not love. Though this is more complex. Everything is. My inner world is deeper than the hell beneath the ocean and more sublime than the heavens beyond the multiverse. My life's goal is to communicate it - through the arts or other means - to bring Erosia to Earth. I would never let relationships get in the way of that. Although my exes could provide fuel for my art, and short conquests and relationships could catalyze transformations, I never committed, never depended on anyone, never gave much. I would never move in with a guy or have any sort of commitment until I met my soulmate, which I did. And part of the 'agreement' is that we don't have kids, because I'm not a family type. I intend to bring Erosia to Earth at any cost. And my husband is part of that vision, as if he was there all along. Before we met, he was already the protagonist of my novels.

        My Libra is in 8th house, Mercury in Scorpio, Moon conjunct Pluto, True Lilith in Scorpio 8th, Eros in Scorpio 8th. The main themes in my life are around Eros, transformation and rebirth, passion, lust and fire, depth, desire and surrender. I cannot possibly be "proud" of this because I have lived with the consequences of that for so long. I lost my voice to an illness (which almost killed me), and was left speaking in a whisper - when singing had been my whole life up until then. I was 16. I died and was reborn. Then I rose from my own ashes when I sang through my whisper, but eventually the illness also took away that sliver of sound that was left. I've battled death, I've won and lost. The war isn't over. So I would say I RELATE the most to the Pluto-moon conjunction, the Scorpio Mercury & Eros, and the Mars & MC Sagittarius, chasing after my dreams at any cost, full fire ahead. The trail of destruction and creation behind me speaks for itself, and that's ME, regardless whether I'm proud or ashamed.

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          #6
          Since Pluto is my dominant planet according to some sites, and definitely the one I relate to most, I will post some quotes that seem relevant to me, whenever I stumble on them. Here's one. This was about Synastry, but also just the nature of Pluto and the difference between that and Mars. I may have mistaken my heavy Plutonian energy for Mars in the past.

          From here: http://theinnerwheel.com/2009/11/13/...ian-relations/

          The Martian side of Pluto, in his role as the higher octave of Mars, is the one most visible in synastry. Pluto, in relationship mode, sets out to satisfy desire. No matter the planet it contacts, Pluto desires to be reborn through a deep psycho-sexual exchange with another human being. Pluto can go after whatever it needs to this end with a frightening intensity. There is a vast difference, though, between the way Mars and Pluto operate. Mars simply satisfies desire. In comparison to Pluto, Mars is rather mindless–it sees something it wants and it goes for it. On the other hand, Pluto has an agenda, a purpose, which is ultimately soul-oriented. Pluto wants to test our limits, to strip us down to the essence. Mars is direct. Pluto is not. There is an attraction/repulsion dynamic to Pluto that is interesting to observe, particularly in synastry. Pluto is torn between the known and the unknown; it senses that the unknown offers a kind of death, and is not fool enough to embrace it wholeheartedly, even though it knows that particular death is necessary. Pluto will do this ‘dance of death’ until desire inevitably wins out (it is Martian, after all). Then Pluto will hang on until its mission is accomplished, no matter the suffering. Life may be divided into ‘before’ and ‘after’ this Pluto contact. We are still ourselves, but we are not the same.

          Transformation is Pluto’s ultimate goal. Whatever the aspects, Pluto strips away the ineffective coping mechanisms and false confidences of any planet it touches. Pluto will explore that planet’s depths and seek out what isn’t working. Pluto doesn’t involve the willing seduction and surrender that Neptune implies. With Pluto, the attraction is hypnotic, and very often feels unavoidable. The old Self, with all of its imperfect coping mechanisms, struggles to stay alive. Usually, the old Self loses. (Or it runs away, living to fight Pluto another day.) Relationships with heavy Pluto contacts have a Nietzschean tinge: that which does not kill me makes me stronger.
          Both Daeva and I have heavy Pluto in our charts. His is definitely dominant whereas mine is slightly dominant on some sites, but clearly important. When we got together, a strong consideration was: who will I become with this person? I had a stronger sense of "who I was" (I'm also 10 years older, but enneagram plays in here, and we approach identity very differently) - but either way, we both knew what we wanted to become. Not every detail, but the idea of it. And we sought a very specific type of person who would accommodate that path. We discovered quickly that his ideal self was my ideal partner, and my ideal self was his ideal partner. We do love each other with our flaws and setbacks, but we know that we're on the same path when it comes to helping each other improve, as a couple and as individuals. Our visions match.

          There was also the aspect to our relationship that it was the ONLY possible path. We couldn't resist. Anything except being together just wasn't in the cards. My relationships always have this "pull," this irresistible element.. although I do put up a fight within myself before surrendering to 'the wrong person,' as the description implies. Our passion was just as strong but surrendering was an OBVIOUS outcome since the logical stuff, values, trust.. also matched.
          Last edited by Animal; 01-21-2020, 07:42 PM.

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            #7
            From the same source:

            When Pluto is involved in a synastry, power is always an issue. Who has it, who uses it, who controls it within the relationship. As we’ve previously discussed, outer planets influence inner (see Synastry Q & A: Gods of Evolution), but those with the inner planet have the ability to make Pluto sharpen its awareness of the way it operates. The inner planets are not helpless against Pluto’s assault. Because the inner planets are so immediate and conscious, they will have a greater understanding of the way Pluto must transform, and inner transformation is ultimately what Pluto is after (after the death and rebirth, that is). No accident that Pluto is the planet that rules analysis and any other means of self-exploration. Pluto’s attempts to plumb your depths are, in fact, motivated by an intense desire to understand itself. In positive mode, Pluto will take the inner planet by the hand and embark on a mysterious, challenging, sometimes frightening journey towards a greater purity of interaction and intention. The inner planet will provide Pluto with a means and a perspective; Pluto will provide the desire, the drive and the will.

            Plutonian relationships aren’t for everyone. If you have a lot of air, or prefer peaceful companionship to having your psyche pulled out and splayed all over the place, I wouldn’t recommend them. If you want passion, if you want intimacy, there are other ways. But Pluto associations are unique in their ability to help us get beyond the surface of the mundane world. Not in a dissolving, Neptunian way, but by means of the deep, chthonian mysteries of the realm of matter itself. If you want company on your journey through your own psychological underworld, Pluto is your man.
            This is all I have to say to that....

            https://ericaxenne.com/category/incarnations/

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              #8
              Well.. damn....

              Pluto Trine Ascendant

              https://astromatrix.org/Horoscopes/P...rine-Ascendant

              Pluto Aspects


              Pluto represents a highly transformative intense energy. It is associated with renewal and rebirth, as well as spiritual growth. In your chart Pluto shows areas of life where you will face the intense powers of creation and destruction. It is the Phoenix of planets whereby the volative pockets of primal energy that lies within spring forth and burn old habits down in order to create a new transformed person.

              With a Trine aspect between Pluto and your Ascendant indicates that you have a power and intensity that can be used creatively to transform your own life and the lives of others. You do not take challenges to your needs or desires lightly and will tend to be highly opinionated and express your point of view strongly even if you may be wrong. You are direct when communicating with others and can be quite brave in your attempts to prove your point. You may be quite liked and appreciated for your courage. You are aware of many of the problems that afflict our society and if you work on your empathy towards others you can be successful and making positive advancements in this area. Your deep concern about social, religious and political upheavals that might interfere with your goals motivates you to do what you can to ensure competent leadership in these areas. At the very least, you know what you are good at and what stops you from obtaining your desires. You can use the power of Pluto to transform and change yourself negative characteristics so that you can bring your dreams into reality. You should have a strong ego and sense of worth and want to be respected by people for it as well. It is a good characteristic unless you become too self-centered or abuse your power for selfish needs.

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