What do you think is more important: forgiveness vs harshness

[Vive]

Let's say someone did something you consider to be a moral failure, something you see as undoubtedly wrong.

In the case that somebody repeatedly fails to be moral in your eyes, hurting you in the process, would you be more inclined to be harsh or more forgiving? Why?

In the case of someone doing one specific thing you really despise, that hurts you, would you be inclined towards being harsh or more forgiving? Why?

Do you tend to be harsh with people in general, or do you think a more tolerant and forgiving approach is generally better suited when dealing with other people?

[Animal]

These type of moral questions about interpersonal relationships tend to be difficult for me, so I'll give it a go. I like a challenge.
I put the second question first because my answer touched on my more general attitude.

In the case of someone doing one specific thing you really despise, that hurts you, would you be inclined towards being harsh or more forgiving? Why?
There isn't much that I despise, but if someone keeps on doing it, I'm out. I have great friends who I've known since age 5, 11, 15, etc -- why do I need to pile on more so-called friends who do things I despise? I'm not "harsh." I don't want to spend my life correcting others and breathing down other people's necks. So in general I'm not in the role of telling people I despise things. And I don't really operate on a scale of "harsh or forgiving." It's more like.. I'm engaged or I'm not. I'm affected or I'm not. You exist to me or you don't.
Of course, there are some people who I consider friends for life. And I wouldn't leave them for the world! And I'm up for all kinds of hardships if it means I can be there for them and keep them around. But, these are not the type of people who do things that I despise. The things I despise are few and far between (and I'll get into it in the next response) -- so usually by the time someone is a close enough friend that I feel like I'd fight for the friendship to the death, they are not that kind of person.. they've already proven their judgment to be one that I can trust and respect.

In the case that somebody repeatedly fails to be moral in your eyes, hurting you in the process, would you be more inclined to be harsh or more forgiving? Why?
Repeatedly fails? Hmm. That's unlikely to happen - because the type of person I'd want in my life would not repeatedly act like an asshole. I am so easy to please, so difficult to offend. I love a good debate or argument about a topic, but I hate arguments about "me and you." I need my head to be clear for my writing and arts, and I don't want to clog it with interpersonal drama which makes me cry and keeps me up at night. Once in a while, and for real reasons, I welcome this kind of thing. But I tend to go very out of my way to be good to my friends, thoughtful, inclusive, available etc. So it's rare that someone comes up with real reasons to give me "me and you" lectures along the lines of "you wronged me," "you don't care about me," "you were mean" etc. If someone has a problem with my general attitude and it comes up a lot, I will just end the friendship, because these type of moral lectures really don't appeal to me. If it's something small and incidental, I am all ears. But generally the type of people who constantly need to criticize my behavior are the type who struggle with keeping friendships or relationships in general. In other words, the problem isn't me. I'm extra nice, probably too nice, so sometimes I end up being close to difficult people which leads to a situation where I'm being criticized for no good reason. I am very open about the fact that this bothers me and hurts. If they continue dragging me into "you and me" drama - or worse, interpersonal drama - I'm out. And forgiveness is not on the menu. Most of my friendships thrive with shared activities, shared interests, heartfelt splats, and debates --- and "you vs me" is not necessary.
As for being immoral toward other people but not toward me, or just immoral in general - sure, I will confront. I don't like getting dragged into "you and me" drama, or "this person vs that" drama. But I'm quick to open up conversation if I think a friend is doing themselves or others a disservice; except, I do it in the nicest way possible, just asking questions and trying to nudge them in a better direction, rather than being "harsh." In general, I think everyone is an individual and there is not just one right way to do things - so it's rare that someone I respect and consider a friend would do something so terrible. Even if they did something I wouldn't have done, it's still something that doesn't seem so awful to me. But if they did do something that bothered me, yes, I'd make my thoughts known, in kind. As for people who aren't friends, I'm probably more opinionated and obnoxious, more willing to run my mouth, because I haven't gotten a sense of their character yet, so I get punchy and challenging. It gives me a sense of the person. I don't consciously think "I'm going to challenge people so I learn more about them," but it just happens inevitably. Depending on the situation though. I'm obsequious and easy going at work. I'm not being paid to challenge people about their beliefs and mental processes, so then I just shut my trap.

Do you tend to be harsh with people in general, or do you think a more tolerant and forgiving approach is generally better suited when dealing with other people?
I'm blunt, not harsh. Blunt about my opinions and challenges, usually about intellectual topics rather than anything interpersonal, because I don't want to get my claws too dirty in other people's personal business. Harsh isn't really me. That would mean I stick my neck in people's business and tell them how it is. I enjoy other people who are harsh but it's just not my style. But I'm blunt in expressing myself.
I'm not sure which approach I think is better. I think it depends on the person doing it. People need to know themselves and do what suits them best. Some people are great at being harsh and critical, and really help people see the light, while others are better at being polite and forgiving, and being a shoulder to cry on. Personally, I am turned off by interpersonal drama, but very engaged by debates about topics. Bring it on!

[Vive]

So, if I'm interpreting it right: you are quite tolerant of people's flaws, willing to forgive quite a few wrongs, but if it's not the right kind of people, then you simply don't consider these people or think much about these people, unless they do something that you actually despise.

You prefer not getting into to 'you and me' arguments. When the good kind of people whose judgement you trust end up criticizing you and start often hammering on their points of dissatisfaction about the friendship or your attitude, it tires you out and makes you prone to ending those kinds of friendships.

If you see behavior that's immoral you will try to confront your friends in a direct manner, while still not forcing them to change their behavior and try to nudge them more to do what you consider is more moral. With those who are not your friends or your kind of people, you are more challenging and punchy and less considerate, but still careful not to get into what you consider to be 'other people's business'.

I have inkling that this has to do with the fact that you consider freedom to be very important along with free self-expression. I wonder, could your dislike for those 'you and me' kind of discussions be caused by you feeling limited, trapped and feeling like you would have to painfully limit yourself (and your ability to freely self-express) just to accommodate this other persons very specific needs, as you prefer to have as much freedom for yourself as possible.

[Animal]

Hmmm. Pretty good summary. The only thing I would change is this:
"When the good kind of people whose judgement you trust end up criticizing you and start often hammering on their points of dissatisfaction about the friendship or your attitude, it tires you out and makes you prone to ending those kinds of friendships."
This actually has never happened. Those type of people may end up criticizing me here and there, but they don't hammer me because I do listen and try to accommodate and be considerate. The type of people who hammer me in ways that bother me usually end up being narcissists or people with BPD, and once this type of "devaluation" starts, I push back after the 4th or 5th time and soon their true colors start to come out. So this is true, yes; but the people whose judgment I trust for years on end, tend not to end up in this position with me anyhow. I did have a few friends over the years who were very very critical types, probably 1 and strong 1 fix; and I welcome the critique because it's more like a critique on my performance, outlook, or ideas; rather than a critique on "you don't call me enough," which I can't stand. I'm very open to other types of critique but I know I am a good friend, and people who want to own me and control every minute of my time to force me to prioritize them are just not my type of people.

As for what you ask at the end - good question. I don't necessarily value freedom in the sense that everyone should just do whatever they want and spew their garbage everywhere. There are definitely standards of conduct and respect, and it's also important to be alert to others' individual needs. But instead of a freedom-seeker I might say I'm an individualist. I believe that everyone has a unique, personal set of values. I have considered mine strongly. There is always room for improvement - for me or anyone else - but I don't believe that I can change who I am fundamentally; nor do I want to at this point. I've been through a lot and worked extremely hard to become the person I am, and while I can be rough around the edges and I welcome feedback about it, I don't forsee myself changing completely on a fundamental level; not unless I go through another trauma. So if someone just isn't happy with who I am fundamentally, or I am not happy with them on that level, it's insulting to try to push each other to become someone we are not, just to accommodate each other. There are billions of people in the world - so why force it? That said, reasonable accommodations are fine. So yeah, I think your analysis is very close to being correct. You might have meant the same thing by "freedom" as "individual expression," but I just wanted to clarify in case the nuance was confusing.

[Daeva]

I'm ultimately quite harsh on matters of morality, but my own morality prevents me from interfering many times. Ideally, I'd step in just once, exactly when too far has gone on for too long, and shut down any offense then and there. Of course, things are rarely that clean and clear-cut in reality. Things get messy. I have stepped in too soon, I have waited too long, I went too far myself - hypocritical in the situation, or I didn't go far enough / wasn't able to / didn't hold the required authority for effective action.

I may forgive but I never forget. However I do expect everyone to fuck up somewhere sometime: nobody is perfect. Though my initial reaction tends towards drastic action in responds to drastic feelings, I often withdraw to reflect before I take action I may regret. After some cooling down, I can acknowledge where my own judgment may have been unfair.

There have been times where I let things go on for too long. Things that were ultimately unexcusable. Experience is the best teacher. My lines become clearer over time.

Harsh, to me, mainly means cutting the person(s) out of my life. Once I have made the call, there's no going back. No contact is the simplest way, with strong physical confrontation on the other end.

In the case that somebody repeatedly fails to be moral in your eyes, hurting you in the process, would you be more inclined to be harsh or more forgiving? Why?

Harsh. One time can be a mistake, two times can be an old-habits-die-hard type of thing - and I do give warnings -, but there's only so many times before it is clear that there is a pattern of foul behavior that is incompatible with my own lifestyle and values.

In the case of someone doing one specific thing you really despise, that hurts you, would you be inclined towards being harsh or more forgiving? Why?

Hesitantly forgiving. I would try to figure out the motive behind such an action. It also depends on whether what I despise is more of a personal quirk of my own, rather than a more objectively wrong action. When it comes to the latter, I will be harsh about it.

Do you tend to be harsh with people in general, or do you think a more tolerant and forgiving approach is generally better suited when dealing with other people?

More on the harsher side of things - though I will remain polite (but distant) to a point. I don't let too many people in for this reason.

[Daeva]

Yes, that's a good summary. I know my inclination towards harshness has lead me to a past life of scant relationships - sort of dismissing others based on very little before there was even a chance of positive development. I say "past life" because now Animal is the connection-maker and I happily enjoy the friendships.

[Animal]

Vive I should point out that Daeva also helps me with friendships. He is more discerning about people and who they are on a fundamental level, and he figures this out quickly. So he softly and sweetly points things out to me, without forcing me into some kind of decision; but I hold his observations in the back of my mind so that when trouble starts to pile up, I am ready and much more alert. This has helped with some situations even recently which could have ended up being disasters but didn't, because I had his words and thoughts in my mind.

[Animal]

And this addresses your question about freedom above. Daeva handles me perfectly because he doesn't tell me what to do. (I am more likely to tell him what to do, lol, but he still does what he wants to do.) He just softly nudges me, or shares his feelings & thoughts knowing that I will take them into account.

[Full_fathom]

Is communicating your displeasure a harshness? I say that in the sense that one can speak to their own problem with a particular reality, without casting judgement. That's what I tend to do with people I'm forced to know bc I generally accept that people are going to do whatever they do, the free-will of it all, if you will. Sometimes we behave poorly, other times exemplary. I know that when faced with another that displeases me, that I will seek distance. Not from being effected per se, but the association itself.

'They' say forgiveness is a virtue... i can't remember who they are atm, and it's something I work on. Ok, I really don't! lol. It sounded good. But being human and interacting with other humans does require some nuance, or better said an allowance of their humanity.

By which notion I have to say that any displeasure would probably benefit from understanding the play-by-play, the details that proceeded, the characters involved. Some things really are un-forgivable and if the preponderance of this 'displeasure' outweighs the value of the person, then perhaps there is something reasonable occurring here. And it's unique to each of us. I know some people who don't like vanilla ice cream. wtf is wrong with them?

addenda, errata, etc. Not sure why this thing doesn't allow me to edit sometimes.

In the English language we use the term 'beg forgiveness' and it's not accidental. This implies a burden upon the person whom created a problem. It has Biblical origins, we don't have to deal with anyone getting stoned to death here, the archaic nature of it all. But forgiveness really does require the proposition of someone seeking it, not something to be given or tossed around willy-nilly, to enjoy a better identity or make one's Self feel better. And you pbly shouldn't be punitive to feel better either. At it's root, forgiveness is a reciprocal process asking to heal a prior ill. In an ideal world that's how it occurs.

[Vive]

I don't think communicating your displeasure is per definition harsh. I think it really depends on exactly how displeased you are and how you talk about this with the other person.

And when you feel this displeasure your tendency is more to seek distance? Would you say you avoid direct confrontation, or do you seek distance more as a, let's call it, 'first line of defense'?

What kind of behavior would urge you towards expressing this displeasure? And I also wonder what kind of behaviors you consider to be unforgivable?

Also, about forgiveness being a two way street. I mostly agree, but there are some people who forgive the other person more as a way of releasing themselves from their anger and judgement and kind of letting go of the past so they can move on. I don't think that kind of forgiveness is for everyone, but some people seem to do well when forgiving in this manner.

[Full_fathom]

Vive, great questions, I've thought about this and to answer I think a large root of my particular 'object relation', is to start 'harsh and objective', so I can identify what I'm working with. Except, i'm really not a 'harsh' person. But I think it begins that way bc at the E type level i'm a distance-er. Prolific E-boarder guru/denizen, that's really not my deal. so I'm kinda running solo from the start. When you're going that way, you have to pick more selectively. I use this as an allegory for the rest of life's interactions. Some ppl are going to like you and some aren't. Why forgive before being forgiven, if that makes sense.

[Full_fathom]

I deleted a msg here bc it was becoming too personal. I think at the end of day, what was attempted was to describe the feral nature of my own being.

[Quindary]

Let's say someone did something you consider to be a moral failure, something you see as undoubtedly wrong.

In the case that somebody repeatedly fails to be moral in your eyes, hurting you in the process, would you be more inclined to be harsh or more forgiving? Why?

My feelings about them will become harsher as it happens more. If it builds up to the point where it's past my limit, I gotta figure out how to confront them so it stops, because especially if it's repeated they probably don't know it's bothering me. But if I have confronted, explained, and it doesn't stop, I'm going to figure out how to get it to stop or redirect it by other means. I'm all about solutions here.

In the case of someone doing one specific thing you really despise, that hurts you, would you be inclined towards being harsh or more forgiving? Why?

If I really despise it, I'm going to be really harsh with them. I'm going to say in this case, I react from the gut, and it must have pinged something really deep for me to despise them for it. I may plot revenge rather than confrontation if it went too far.

Do you tend to be harsh with people in general, or do you think a more tolerant and forgiving approach is generally better suited when dealing with other people?

I don't think I am actually overall that harsh. There are a lot of things in life that don't really ping me on a moral level. I grasp that on some level, morality infuses life, but I don't infuse all of the happenings in life around me with morality until something is distinctly moral to me about whatever it is. This used to be rarer than it is now, but it's still rare enough that when my morality radar is pinged it's a meaningful occurrence for me. Meaningful enough for me to feel a call to response or action - so when I do respond, it does tend to be harsh on some level.

[Vive]

So, if I'm interpreting it correctly: You mostly don't have strong reactions towards people's behavior, but if something does ping you the wrong way you seek distance, if it's bothersome enough you confront and if it's very despicable you may move towards revenge.

It does seem to me that you're on the more harsh side of the spectrum if it comes to judgement, but I also have the feeling that you mostly won't need to act upon a judgement or don't need to judge at all, because in a lot of cases things don't really ping you that much or bother you deeply enough to move you to act upon judgement.

I wonder, do you wish you would act upon it more, or are you contend with the way you deal with and respond to those kinds of behavior/actions?

I'm also curious as to what kind of things really ping you and trigger this gut response and maybe even a desire for revenge.

[Quindary]

@Vive

"if something does ping you the wrong way you seek distance"

Depending. I may seek distance, but if it juts into my world unhelpably I will confront it.

"It does seem to me that you're on the more harsh side of the spectrum if it comes to judgement, but I also have the feeling that you mostly won't need to act upon a judgement or don't need to judge at all, because in a lot of cases things don't really ping you that much or bother you deeply enough to move you to act upon judgement"

I don't inherently judge everything I see. Judgement on the moral level tends to come from deep within, someplace I find instinctual rather than intellectual, which imo is part of why I end up harsh. I don't have the impulse to question my own moral responses, generally speaking - but I don't usually question the world's either until they conflict with mine.

I can give you an example. A friend of mine once told me about a teacher of theirs in college who tried to 'trap' her into admitting guilt about late homework or something by sending an email to her requesting response. I read it and could immediately see through the trap. It was like her teacher planted a flower patch, everything had blossomed, and if she touched a flower it would've tried to bite her fingers off. It hit me as wrong - very wrong - and I raged at her about her teacher for half an hour while she went '???' back at me because she was only trying to calculate how to outmanipulate her teacher. I told her if I were her I wouldn't outmanipulate, but confront. Lay the truth out in a response to the teacher, tell her exactly that she had seen through the trap and how it works, and refuse to respond to traps. Tell her to have a conversation with me as equal to equal, not as if baiting a mouse trap. My friend didn't appreciate my response...lol...she was looking for me to figure out how to spring the mousetrap or something. She wanted me to suggest a lie.

That's what I mean by confrontation, and I guess it does make me harsh.

"I wonder, do you wish you would act upon it more, or are you contend with the way you deal with and respond to those kinds of behavior/actions?"

I don't have a problem with the way I am in this respect. But I do try to do something about it when my being demands it, because I think that when I am triggered in this way there is a purpose.

"I'm also curious as to what kind of things really ping you and trigger this gut response and maybe even a desire for revenge."

I'll give an example where I did seek revenge. I taught English in South Korea under a franchise that operated like a juku. They had kind of strict protocols for how they wanted teachers to teach. We were under a petty boss (i.e. middle management) who was the worst of Korean and of US culture. She pushed everyone's buttons, trying to get the teachers to conform to her standards. She pushed at things with most of us that were very personal, and left one or two people alone who were kind of her teachers' pets, while herself not setting proper boundaries with her kids when she actually taught a class.

Well, I tolerated a lot of crap from this lady about me, my personal identity, my own sense of being - until the day she stopped me while I was leaving school to have a chat about my teaching style and metrics. She told me I'd have to go back to training. She called me incompetent. That crossed a line. It made me pretty much run away from her in a hot rage.

After I got home and calmed down some I started plotting. I ended up writing a 60 day leaving notice to the franchise owner. In telling him why, I listed every single incident I could recall about what she did to me and the other teachers. I also suggested he fire her or he would lose more of us. The franchise owner called me to his office later and asked me - if she left, would I stay. He told me my metrics were actually at the top of the list. She had lied to me. I turned him down..I probably shouldn't have, but I'd made a decision and I was sticking to it.

67 days later, when I came back to visit the school from a week spent in vacation in Japan, I saw her leaving with her things in a cardboard box. I said hi, she huffed off. Sayonara bitch.

[Vive]

It's only fair if I also respond to my own questions and share my own views and reactions.

In the case that somebody repeatedly fails to be moral in your eyes, hurting you in the process, would you be more inclined to be harsh or more forgiving? Why?

I would be forgiving of their mistakes, but I would also come to trust them less, rely less upon their judgement. I can be endlessly hopeful about people, but I also have had to realize that I need ways to protect myself and distance myself from those kinds of people too.

Interestingly, I am also harsh by nature, and can quite judgemental, but those judgement are never final for me. There's always potential for people to do something else, something better, although that probability gets lower and lower as people do worse and worse things and do them without regret or reflection. I will cut people off if they start to affect me very negatively, because I also need to maintain my own sanity and health. As I've grown older, it's become easier for me to be less judgemental, to hold back judgement, to really consider what the other person is saying and see it from their perspective. I've also gotten much better at communicating, I think that has been the biggest help in making me less harsh.

Part of that is that I have come to see that free expression of anger and frustration with people as not appropriate. It certainly made me less harsh, but in times where I put crazy pressure on myself, my anger becomes more... constipated. Smaller things become more bothersome, I become annoyed more quickly at things that are less related and I can explode entirely at the wrong moments. Sometimes annoying others, but mostly confusing them. I've had to learn to learn acknowledge feelings and thoughts that I thought were not okay, not appropriate and not logical. What seems best for me is to assert some control and make sure you communicate yourself well and with some tact, but make sure I allow myself to feel and share my concerns, feelings and frustrations with others before it makes me emotionally constipated.

In the case of someone doing one specific thing you really despise, that hurts you, would you be inclined towards being harsh or more forgiving? Why?

It would make me very angry, perhaps say harsh things, but I am willing to forgive a lot. If it is too despicable I might cut off contact, but even then I might still be willing to forgive, eventually.

Do you tend to be harsh with people in general, or do you think a more tolerant and forgiving approach is generally better suited when dealing with other people?

Like I mentioned above, it's more of a combination of the two, but I tend towards being more forgiving and sometimes I can be harsh in the moment.

[Animal]

I think you have a great balance of sharing honest critique without being a jerk about it, and "live and let live." I've enjoyed your critiques and it has helped me to know I can trust you to tell me when something is off, so when you say I did something well I actually believe you.

[La Dame Aux Roses]

In the case that somebody repeatedly fails to be moral in your eyes, hurting you in the process, would you be more inclined to be harsh or more forgiving? Why?

I haven't necessarily had this experience. I would say forgiving. But I don't necessarily trust my own judgement; it's not easy for me to say 'you're doing something wrong and hurting me', it's much easier for me to find reasons it's my fault or just not notice at all. And when I do realize or suspect that someone's been wronging me and I decide to be harsh it can be overkill because I'm trying something new. (Not necessarily overkill for harshness but overkill for This Is Me Standing Up For Myself). And I usually regret it; I usually find that this was reactive anger and puffed-up vainglory and I've ended up alienating the person more when they needed my patience instead. I don't really see the dichotomy as being between harshness and forgiveness (for example I could forgive on an emotional level while still being practically harsh if that's what the situation calls for). I'd focus on what the right thing for me to do is, or what the right thing for the relationship is, rather than whether I punish or not.

In the case of someone doing one specific thing you really despise, that hurts you, would you be inclined towards being harsh or more forgiving? Why?

Forgiving. When it comes to really bad things I tend to feel embarrassed or sorry for the other person rather than angry and tend to be focused on how to keep their dignity intact. I mean if someone murdered my child (that I don't have) I'd probably not be so focused on keeping their dignity intact and react 'harshly'. But in general it's important to me to give room for people to be more than the worst things they've done. My 'harsh' reactions are always due to a pattern that I want to see addressed, not a single mistake.

Do you tend to be harsh with people in general, or do you think a more tolerant and forgiving approach is generally better suited when dealing with other people?

As I explained, I think it rarely occurs to me to be harsh or forgiving; I'm not angry that often and when I am it's more about being caught up in the moment and enjoying the dynamic, I can get carried away with this but it's really a kind of vanity. And I'm not usually in the position of power or holding the moral high ground so I'm able to say 'I forgive you' or 'Go be punished' in the first place. I think holding people accountable for their actions is important but I don't think there's a lot of point in holding grudges. So I prefer tolerance and forgiveness. 'Love your enemies' and all that (not just tolerate but love). I used to be very fascinated with serial killers, the idea of the redemption and humanity of people who had done the very worst things, obviously I think serial killers should be in prison so they shouldn't be forgiven in that sense, just a spiritual sense, but where it isn't likely to cause material harm I think people should be given second chances, even if they are likely to abuse them, just because they might not(to quote Michael Scott, 'I would rather go broke betting on my people, than get rich all by myself, on some island like a castaway. And there is no middle ground.') Ultimately I'd rather be screwed over and played as a fool than not love people and give them whatever I have for them, if it has to come to that.

so in general it depends on what's at stake but as a general rule: forgiveness

(my 9 fix was really stepping up for this post)

[Qassim]

Let's say someone did something you consider to be a moral failure, something you see as undoubtedly wrong.
First, I can't really answer the question fairly until I know whether this failing was against me, or just in general. Eg, I consider people abandoning me in a time of need to be a moral failure, and one that I will never truly forgive. I acknowledge that someone who is a serial killer is undoubtedly wrong and will be seen as a moral failure, however, this doesn't involve me and doesn't need my forgiveness. I could easily see other sides to this person and would probably make it a point not to overlook those sides.

In the case that somebody repeatedly fails to be moral in your eyes, hurting you in the process, would you be more inclined to be harsh or more forgiving? Why?
Honestly, this would depend on the circumstances under which this happened, how much they see the error of their ways, and how much they make it clear to me that they really feel terrible for their actions. My first thought is that if I get hurt, I have no sympathy for you and will hurt you back if at all possible. But I could see myself being the bigger person here in some instances too. I don't care how "moral" I deem the person to be (if I find their values THAT offensive, I'll probably just avoid them), I care more that I got hurt.

In the case of someone doing one specific thing you really despise, that hurts you, would you be inclined towards being harsh or more forgiving? Why?
Same as above. The things I can think of like that off the top of my head...eg, someone seducing my boyfriend, or someone killing someone close to me...it is over and I will physically attack you only as a starter. The rest is yet to come and you won't live it down. Etc. If it's something dumb...like one time my sister stole money from me and spent the money on drugs while I was going hungry...well, I lost trust in her and basically separated from her. I'm not forgiving of this, but also it's not worth a lifetime of vengeance.

Do you tend to be harsh with people in general, or do you think a more tolerant and forgiving approach is generally better suited when dealing with other people?
I mean I think my mindset is quite harsh. I don't typically front harshness as a persona, though, leading people to think I'm very mellow, calm, and soft. I'm mainly just like, Hey you're cool, no worries. I overlook breaches of conduct all the time. I am extremely non-judgemental, and for this reason I notice a lot of people pour their secrets and life stories onto me, sometimes upon first meeting. People say ALL KINDS of weird shit to me, and I'm not sure this is necessarily everyone's experience of life. But I mean, I'm just not capable of judging someone over superficial things, especially not to their face. The closer you get to me, though, the less pleasant and more difficult you would find me. You'd find out how harsh and cutting I can really be, and you'd realize I have lines you don't cross without massive retaliation on my part.

So in "dealing with people", as in the general public, I do tend to find a softer approach works in some ways. It means I tend to get preyed upon a lot, though, cause I'm seen as this gentle naive soft pliable lil thang. So things end in tears, and I don't get taken seriously or respected in other ways. So I can't say this is a "better" approach. On the other hand, when I'm my real self with people I tend to find that I get dropped in a hurry, I can't keep any friends, my family disowns me, and I end up hating myself for being how I am. So I don't have the answer here lol.