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Tell me a bit about your "golden shadow"

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    Tell me a bit about your "golden shadow"

    this thread has the potential to devolve into meaningless self-congratulation veiled in faux-self-criticism, but I think it's a worthwhile conversation to attempt all the same. your "golden shadow" is basically the part of yourself that you naturally disown because it doesn't fit your self-image, even though, in this case, it's a strength rather than a weakness.

    mine is probably something along the lines of heroism/charisma. I want to be private, reclusive and just focus on my work, but instead I fall into this role of being the constant bullshit-caller, conversation starter and even center of attention. I hate it. I want to live like an Sp 5w6 and just avoid the rest of the world in my cave, but instead wherever I go I get into arguments with people and amass people wanting to follow, so eventually I just leave, go somewhere else and the same fucking thing happens. everyone (at least in America) loves to brag about how "intense" they are, how much they "go against the grain", but know what takes courage for me: keeping my fucking mouth shut. I suck at it. even in college lectures I have to limit myself to two comments a day because otherwise I'd basically take over the lecture if it's a subject I know a lot about. I don't exactly have the best social skills, but I understand enough to know what the professor's job is and how easily I could hold them up from trying to get work done.

    I can't deny that this penchant for influence I have is a strength, but it's one I wish would go away. It's not simply a waste of time for someone wishing to be a stock trader to have this kind of temperament. It's counter-productive and a liability.

    Oddly enough, I said something very similar to Daeva just last night. That my ideal self is someone who shows who I am through my work, but people outside my circle don't need to know me. Keep in mind my work includes brutal self-expression, emotion, vulnerability and absolute nakedness. But to me, that's the place for it. I used to write in my diary that feelings don't belong in relationships, only in art. When I was singing publicly it was much easier to maintain a balance closer to this, but once I lost my voice I never felt like my work was enough, yet I still had this need to be seen bare. The world just has to be a stage. So, once I found my first forum at 32 (I didn't even know what a forum was before that), and it was enneagram - originally it was about exploring types to help me with characters, but due to me chasing men on the forum it devolved into me opening up about myself in order to understand type. From there on out I decided to own it. My work will never be what it once was, and even with writing there are many days when I'm just too sick to do it. So I'll spill my soul everywhere I am and stop regretting it.

    I never had a problem with openness, taking up space or spilling because it's a 'liability' per se - I actually find that it gives me great power, respect and generates interest, even if that wasn't my intent consciously. But, the problem is that my energy is magical and sacred and it belongs in my work. That libido is wasted on most interactions and I'd rather save it for what matters. That is my avarice.


    • Animal
      Animal commented
      Editing a comment
      My body and "real life" isn't adequate to encapsulate who I feel I am - my identity, my passion, my integrity, my vision. This, of course, is a 4ish ego distortion - that your identity is separate from "the rest" and beyond the flesh. The body is a canvas upon which to paint your story; and that is how I dress myself. So, I would not want to be anonymous but rather SYMBOLIC of my ipseity; my separate personal image, in its purest form. Having regular conversations about this and that, is too mundane and sets my focus too firmly in Earth, which taints the special otherworldly image that I most identify with. Marrying the two would happen through art, though I have spent the past decade exploring this to become healthier and more balanced in the translation of 'me/Erosia' to 'Earth.'

    • BalalaikaBoy
      BalalaikaBoy commented
      Editing a comment
      I can honestly relate to that too for whatever reason

    • Animal
      Animal commented
      Editing a comment
      It's relevant to 5 and 4 methinks

    My golden shadow is sensitivity - not sensitivity in the overemotional and cry at the drop of a hat type of way but more of a general attunement to the emotional register. I don't know how much you're familiar with CT, but my base development level would have been NiTe l-l- or NiFi with Ni and Fi being conscious, and Te and Se being unconscious (my devl level is currently NiTe lll- with Ni, Te, and Fi being conscious). That configuration made me doubly introverted, less communicative, more esoteric, and most importantly, less effective in outside world (this is my bias not the opinion of the official literature). I always admired tough, goal-oriented, worldly go-getters because I was not like that (aside from being goal-oriented). I was a sensitive soul immersed in my own inner world who didn't have enough worldly common sense. When my Te started to develop more, I gradually rejected my more Fi side seeing it as weak, ineffectual, and a general hindrance, yet I couldn't quite tether myself from it. My ideal self (different from my actual self-image), was a mixture between Athena - an intellectual powerhouse who embodies the most powerful aspects of the Apollonic spirit, and Kali - the power to equally create and destroy; my softer side had no place in this. I wanted to exert my will and agenda onto the world, and test my abilities 'out there' so being a sensitive contemplative didn't quite fit that agenda.

    Nonetheless, being sensitive makes me acutely aware of the deeper contents of the psyche - both my own and others. With that, I could manipulate others and a situation, in both positive and insidious ways, in order to steer the dynamic towards a certain direction. And now with my Fi and Te being on equal footing, my actions and goals are singularly focused by consulting my 'feelings', understanding what the heart wants, and then relentlessly and strategically pursuing those desires. I can be philosophical, sensitive, and spiritual while also having those elements feed into the success of my actions in the world (even if I'm a little slow to action).
    Last edited by Mahat; 11-21-2019, 08:16 PM.


      Well, I am perfectionistic, because I desire to avoid failure and in essence I don't like losing control of situations. So, sometimes I won't allow myself the vulnerability that comes with learning something. Sometimes I don't really realize the full extent of my capabilities, because I won't allow myself to truly try and let go. The standards I generally set for myself are a little too extreme, which results in me often underestimating myself.

      It generalizes, so it can pertain to basically anything related to me skill-wise or personality-wise.
      "Distress, whether psychic, physical, or intellectual, need not at all produce nihilism.
      Such distress always permits a variety of interpretations."



        Hmmm, maybe energy levels. It's too much for people at times, and they get worried about me because I hardly sleep, skip meals, and just push myself at a break neck pace. They tell me to slow down, to pace myself, but I like getting shit done.

        Also, if someone's going through a rough time, it forces me into action if I'm very depressed. It's hard to describe, but I basically force myself to be strong and stop feeling sorry for myself and focus my energy on helping the other person, building them up, finding solutions, and stuff like that.


          Probably honesty, like I'm generally a very "genuine" person... and there are some advantages to this, but in a way, I wish I could be more duplicitous without feeling anxious about it because that would certainly be advantageous as well. It's not like it's impossible to figure out how to manipulate someone if I really want to, but my guilt has a tendency to get the better of me.


            I'm quiet and I don't cause problems for people.

            This might seem like a positive attribute to most people in the world. Instead, it makes me unhappy.

            I go to the back of a given room, sit quietly, stay aloof. People then tell me I'm passive and unassertive, that I lack self-confidence, etc. They pity me. At best, they'll tell me that I'm "sweet and shy".

            This is not my self image, and not how I wish to be seen by others. I want to attract attention, dammit. I want to have influence, to be respected, etc. I crave a headier existence than this, where I am in the center in the fray, and instead I feel cut out because of my own reserved nature. I always get underestimated and overlooked. I don't know why I can't have other qualities of character, but I clearly don't. I detest this.

            See, it's completely inoffensive to everyone...except me. I keeps me out of trouble, but I don't want this. Booooooring. I wish I could be another way. It actually pains me slightly to write it.

            Exact opposite of OP.
            Last edited by Qassim; 03-06-2020, 02:33 AM.


              Originally posted by BalalaikaBoy View Post
              you know what takes courage for me: keeping my fucking mouth shut. I suck at it. even in college lectures I have to limit myself
              Dang, I feel this. I don't think I have enough shame to care as much as I probably should, though.

              For me, my golden shadow would probably be passion. There are times life would be far easier if I could just be apathetic, but I'm incapable of apathy.


                Golden shadow.

                Probably the fact that I actually am a decent communicator with people and do nicely in management/leadership situations. I've been in management in the workplace and also been called upon as a leader, and as much as this presents a growth opportunity for me, it's not because I'm natively bad at it - it's more because I would have to get over the hump of wanting to disown this part of my life on the daily.

                All I'd really like to do in life is sit with my thoughts, theories, experiences and research, figure out how to transcend this place and produce whatever I want along the way, but alas, life will not allow for that unless I'm basically rich and self sufficient... and rich self sufficiency, especially if I want to sustain it throughout my lifetime, will only come for me from interpersonal work.


                  My golden shadow is to be completely attuned to you and providing. That place where one is ok setting aside their needs.

                  Since a little kid, my natural state was to understand what was occurring, even when it was bad to me. My parents, they're no saints, I left home just after my 17th birthday and rarely looked back. I didn't hate them and I still don't, they were just flawed and selfish, and habitual, and.....

                  And true to my golden shadow, I'm in a way their keeper today. Their rock, elderly as they are now. That's a gold part right? Because now I hold them to account, be better please. And it's from afar. I love you at this distance, so to speak.

                  But if I'm being truthful, I don't really know what is golden about me. At this age, the line to 1 is a little more pronounced, there are expectations however mitigated. We're human. I still might not like what I see. I often don't, please be better, and then I introject me not being better and it's square one.

                  I guess my golden shadow is sorta like a conscience. Not you, Archetribe.... I mean in my life. But then I have to temper this with 'what is perfection', and why does anyone need it anyway. My conundrum, pained by it all and idealistic at the same time. I'm no Edgar Allen, but therein lays the raven. I want the gold and its journey, without the pain..... anymore.
                  Last edited by Full_fathom; 07-10-2020, 10:20 PM.