"Being Yourself"

[Animal]

"You don't hate yourself, you hate not being yourself."

My response:

It's impossible to not be yourself. You take yourself with you wherever you go.

The person who is 'not being authentic' - they're wearing a mask, basically. But the choice to wear a mask came from that person. The type of mask came from that person. Perhaps the action of choosing a mask IS an authentic part of that person and they would grow from accepting themselves - with the masks and the other ways that they adapt to society in order to survive.

There's nothing inherently wrong, or "fake," about choosing to adapt to survive. The problem comes when people blame society. Actually adaptive masks are a human survival mechanism that we were all born with because we are social creatures. Wolves and birds also know how to fall in line. That is obviously natural.

So maybe we would benefit from not obsessing over what's authentic and what's fake, and instead ask: what does my mask say about me?

Even the most 'authentic person' would not pull their pants down and defecate in the street, unless they were mentally ill. Shame is a built-in mechanism that causes humans and animals to conform for the betterment of society. Elephants depart from the pack when they're sick- because of shame - and this allows the pack to retain its pace and not to catch the illness. Neurotypical humans withhold their carnal urges, like relieving themselves, stealing food from a passerby's plate or saying "hey wanna fuck?" because it's written into our programming to notice social response.

So the responses we have to society are part of our true self. The mask says something about us, too.





This is why I'm not a fan of sentiments like "this isn't the real me" and "you don't know what I'm really like." Actually, I do agree there is more to a person than immediately meets the eye, but whatever you're like right now is part of what you're really like. It may not be all of it, but in describing 'who you are,' everything you do is part of it. Obviously if someone is cognitively compromised, mentally ill, etc - we can evaluate their actions with that in mind. But still... not every person with a particular illness says the exact same things. The underlying themes in your presentation and actions come from you.

[Vive]

I get what you are saying. I agree that when people say 'be yourself' it's kind of odd, because you can't be anything but yourself.

However, I think what people often mean when they tell other people to 'be themselves' is that people shouldn't care too much about what others think or feel. Sure, it is important to care to a degree, different degrees for different situations even. However, we're not bees, we're not a hive-mind. The individual is important too. While the mask is just as much a part of your identity too, it's important not to neglect what's beneath either.

[Animal]

I guess I can't fathom caring what people think so much that I lose touch with myself. I'm more likely to neglect them than to neglect me. But that's my own bias. I've actually been working to be more receptive and attentive.

[Vive]

At least it's one problem you don't have, I think it shows were your strengths lie. In the past a friend of mine became deeply happy because of this. She wore her mask all the time, even at home. She was very attentive to other's needs, but incredibly afraid of other people's reactions when she would assert her own, in the beginning she didn't even know how to begin to assert her own needs. Even though she's incredibly smart and competent she just never really properly respected her own needs. At the time it confused me how such a smart, extraverted and outspoken individual could feel so small. It just made me so sad and sometimes I genuinely got angry, because I could see people walking over her and her just letting it happen. I'm glad to say that these days she has really come into her own and it's great to see. I can see that's she actually enjoying herself and living life like she wants it. Serious respect for that kind of growth.

[Animal]

She sounds amazingly strong <3
Yes, being unaware of one's own needs in that way and masking them is 2 (usually not Sp 2) --- so she is likely to have it at least as a fix, maybe core, based on your description. Two grows toward four by being more self focused. But when unhealthy, their lines to 8 and 4 can come out through revenge, and hateful envy for those who are more 'self absorbed' - they can become punitive. when healthier they grow to incorporate their own needs without resenting others for 'overlooking' the needs that they aren't even expressing. But that means as a four LEAD I have kind of an opposite problem. I need to grow THROUGH 2 and 1, to integrate, which means moving toward equanimity and more attentiveness to others.... as far from that as I may seem now, I've come a long way from where I was before.

[RALA]

"You don't hate yourself, you hate not being yourself."

Gotta love people who think they can speak for everyone

[Animal]

So true! I guess that was the problem with it. What he said is true for some people for sure. And worth saying, but maybe he could benefit from using "I" instead of "You"

[Animal]

In fact, such habits (saying "we" and "you" instead of "I") might point to the root of the problem of why he feels like he can't be himself. Hmm.

[Animal]

I just posted this on facebook and thought it's relevant to this OP:
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Unless I specifically post something written by someone else, the words I post are my thoughts. MY THOUGHTS. Not "Fox news," not "Trump," not Hitler or the aliens in space. I have a brain and I use it to think, so anyone who says I'm spouting fox news - which I don't watch - is simply revealing their own mindset, which is that no one can possibly think for themselves. (Not to mention, I'd be surprised if most of you watch fox news yourselves or have any idea what is on it.) By making such claims about me, you reveal yourself as a brainwashed mimic repeating other people's words. To you, the question is "who brainwashed her and who taught her to say this." Surely you would clap if it was "your side" that pumped me with propaganda, instead of the opposing side. Then, being pumped with identical propaganda, we'd be on the same team!

Personally, I don't care who or what brainwashed you. If you're an adult you're responsible for your own thoughts and if you're alive, you have the opportunity to confront your own biases. My anger is directed toward those in power who abuse their position to silence dissent and spread misinformation - and not at citizens who happen to disagree with me. I enjoy respectful discourse where people may share information that the other party may not have known about, and all parties are free to put this information in perspective with their own knowledge and values as they so choose. This is why I often share my views about propaganda and how certain factions have taken purposeful action to brainwash us, as I believe this information may empower people.

However, in the end, the process of forming a perspective and choosing what to believe, is up to you. This is why, despite the misinformation coming from the government and the media, I still hold individual citizens responsible personally for their stances and conclusions. I view every single one of you as a capable individual with personal agency, independent thought, and potential to carve out your own path despite any setbacks that come your way. And that, my friends, reveals something about me.



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Why is this relevant? Because it boils down to me really genuinely believing that people are themselves no matter what. We all get influenced by other people around us. We all are products of our culture to some extent. And thus we all experience some brainwashing, cultural conditioning, etc. And there's nothing particularly bad about that either. We need culture to give us some order so we can coexist. Humans are social creatures.

But I still think that owning up to "I was indoctrinated by media/culture" is owning up to who you are. I have said this myself, that I have swallowed bits of certain ideologies that I needed to untangle within myself. It's honest. And which ideology I swallow and which I resist - says something about me. So even if someone is influenced by society, if they feel that this made them 'not be themselves' then maybe the best way they can grow is by acknowledging that , in fact, doing so is part of who they are - and it's part of everyone and that's ok. Once they learn to take responsibility for their own actions then they can become empowered to take actions that they feel "come from their heart." But the need to conform also came from their own heart, and that's something they have to face or else they will keep doing it.

I understand fully that not everyone has the privilege to come to conclusions by themselves the way I did. My parents really encouraged independent thought. The public schools don't, and some parents don't, so then it's harder for someone to learn how to think critically. But you know, that's ok. No judgment. Just admit that this is what happened and confront it directly and then you're thinking for yourself! That's how I see it anyway. I realize it's easier said than done, and more easy for some people than others, but I'm just explaining why even brainwashing and abuse still could be confronted from the mindset of: "what did I do to process this, and how might I process it differently next time?" This puts the control back in the hands of the individual.

[Melancholia]

"You don't hate yourself, you hate not being yourself."

I think that even when people are trying to "not be themselves" they still show their true self in how they try to not show their true self. Or something.

Authenticity is really important to me, and exploring that authenticity is huge. Why and how am "I' ? I do sometimes get angry with myself for holding things back, but I hold things back as a result of myself, not others. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says, I'm responsible for whether or not I am true to who I already am. And that in itself is still being "myself."

[Animal]

YES!! Exactly this^

[DAPHNE XO]

Hmm, this raises a lot of different topics.

Firstly, there's the issue of: Who am I? And in turn, What do I want? And then again, What do I NOT want?

Then there's the issue of: If I am myself, will I be rejected? Do I care enough about the group of people in front of me, to care whether or not I am rejected?

Then there's the issue of: What if I genuinely don't like myself? What can I change about myself? How do I make those changes? Also, what do I like about myself?

And finally, What do people like about me, what do they not like about me, and is this enough reason to change?

All topics are interrelated and none have a particularly easy answer - for most people.

Having said that, I moved to a different city in a different part of the UK about 10 months ago. Since then, I've had to make a LOT of changes to who I am, in order to "fit" in. I still don't fully feel like I fit in -- I think this is just due to being an ENTJ and just being really different to the "norm" anyway -- but the changes I made are ones I am significantly happy with.

I know there are still some more changes to come, but these are all motivated from my own desire to improve myself and improve my chances of future success.

I don't think there is an easy way to "be yourself" and I think people who say they are always 100% truly authentic are liars. It's just not possible to do what you want, say what you want, and act on every impulse and not be ostracised. There is give and take, I guess it just depends on how much you think it's worth it.

[SnatchYourWeave]

I think it is impossible to not be yourself but some are better at masking themselves to the point that it's indistinguishable between what's real and what's manufactured. "We all wear masks, and the times comes when we cannot remove them without removing our own skin." Andre Berthiaume