Melancholia, Art and Journaling

[Melancholia]

As I sat and drank my coffee
Feeling tired, feeling spent
I heard the wind begin to roar
So out the door I went.

It roared as if it was for me
It roared as if it knew.
It flung about the trees and grass
Upsetting the morning dew.

I stood outside and closed my eyes
Frigid air blasting through me.
It invigorated my senses
Ridding my soul of the dark and gloomy.

A roar or a whisper
I care not which way it comes
The wind is like my lover
To his touch I will succumb.

In his arms, I feel alive
My body ripped from it's cocoon.
Awake, aware, his breath is life
Please, my darling, come back soon.

[Melancholia]

Dear Sparrow, I'm so sorry
I feel emptiness and despair
That I never met you earth side
That you never once drew air

I'm sorry for my body
I'm sorry for my womb.
It was supposed to protect you
But instead became a tomb.

I wonder and I dream
About how life would be
If you hadn't had to leave
If you'd been able to stay with me.

Would you be blue eyed like your brothers?
Would you have their dark blonde hair?
Would you be crazy, wild, untamed
Or would you handle yourself with care?

Would you be a daddy's girl?
Give him a run for his money?
Would you charm and soften him
With a voice smooth as honey?

Oh Sparrow, my dear daughter
Mommy loves you so.
Over and over I'll say it:
I hate you had to go.

I never got to hold you
Never got to smell your breath
Never got to rock you to sleep
Instead, I mourn your death.

The platitudes never helped
They never touched the pain.
Even now I cry and I cry
My tears falling like the rain.

My only respite is simply this:
That one day I will die.
And when I do, I'll come find you
And together, we will fly.

[Melancholia]

Soul.
Separate from flesh and blood.
Caged.
Trapped in this body made from mud.

Freedom.
Unattainable, ever out of grasp.
Melancholy.
To my dreams, I forever clasp.

Hope.
I had it once, at least I think.
Despair.
Because hope dies - when you blink.

Death.
An anticipated, welcomed friend.
Life.
It won't begin until I end.

[Melancholia]

One day I stepped out on my porch
To grasp a moment of peace
I happened to look to my left
And that's when I saw the crease.

It was barely there, I almost missed it
I rubbed my eyes and blinked.
Around the corner came my ginger cat
He look at me and...winked?

I stared at him, he stared at me
And then I swear he smiled.
Then he turned, walked to the crease
What happened next was wild.

First he was there, and then he wasn't.
My jaw dropped to the ground.
What the hell is happening?
Am I that mentally unsound?

Shaking off self doubt
I walked up to the spot
The crease was shimmering slightly
"Here goes nothing," I thought.

Hand outstretched I touched the crease
In it went, and disappeared
The feeling wasn't necessarily bad
Like that scratchy tickling from a beard.

I took a deep breath, I closed my eyes
And into the crease I stepped.
Scratchy, tickling, then nothing
I opened my eyes, and wept.

I had stepped into a forest
But not like any you've ever seen.
I could see the soul in every plant
Every tree, rock, and stream.

I could hear their soul songs in the air
A glorious orchestra of spirits.
My tears would not stop streaming
I wished everyone could hear it.

It was then that I realized
everything around me was rather...big.
And then I look down at myself -
I was no bigger than a twig.

I finally saw my ginger cat
Sitting across the way.
His purring had drawn my attention -
He was being scratched and rubbed by...a fae?

I blinked, and blinked, and blinked again
Yes, I was certain about what I saw
A little, sparkling, translucent fae
Sitting on my ginger cat's paw.

Our eyes finally met, she flashed a smile
And with her tiny hand, she waved
I sensed that she was beckoning me
I hesitated, then caved.

As I made my way toward her
I looked up to the sky
Fae were everywhere
Down low and up high.

So much twinkling overhead
It was the most beautiful sight
They flit and flew, to and fro
Like shooting stars in the night.

Her lips never moved
But I heard her just fine
"Hello, my dear one, you're here!
We've been waiting such a long time."

"What do you mean?"
I asked, heart beating out of my chest
Was this some sort of trick?
Or maybe some sort of test?

"You know what I mean," she said with a grin
"Close your eyes and recall
It's okay, dear one. It's been a while.
I promise you, you'll remember all."

I obeyed her command.
Closing my eyes, taking deep breaths
I searched my mind
Traveling to the deepest of depths.

Deeper and darker, until I couldn't see
Hands outstretched, I stumbled.
Then suddenly I felt a wall, no, a door
And a handle with which I fumbled.

The door was locked, what could I do now?
Far away, I heard the fae's voice
"Dear one, you have the key. Use it
Or don't. This must be your choice."

I thought of what I'd lose
I thought of what I'd gain
I wondered if it would hurt
If I was unlocking hidden pain.

Again I heard the fae's sweet voice.
She laughed with a melodious lilt.
"Do not fear, " she said to me.
"You'll feel no shame or guilt."

A deep calm came over me
I softly told myself, "Go."
A key appeared in my hand
"Go, and you will know."

I placed the key into the lock
I turned it, pushed the door.
There I saw a golden light
Emanating from a child's core.

The child was me, I knew at once
But this child was also fae.
Suddenly the memories flooded back
Of that terrible and fateful day.

Stolen from my home
Raised as a human child.
Entombed inside this dying flesh
When what I should have been was wild.

My eyes snapped open
Heart thundering in my chest
Finally, my whole life made sense
I knew why I found no rest.

I had lived in one world
But was born of another.
Raised by random strangers,
Not my father, not my mother.

The fae, she smiled, and gestured happily
I looked down at my arms and feet.
No more was I covered in human skin
Weighed down by hunks of meat.

Instead, my body shone, and sparkled
I looked like all the rest
And for the first time in my entire life
The weight was gone from my chest.

I felt as if I had never known life
I felt as if I had just been born.
No longer shackled to my former self
No longer feeling torn.

I laughed and cried, all at once.
My ginger cat purred, seeming smug.
All the fae began to sing
And this is what they sung:

"Blessings - to She Who Is Returned
The forest welcomes you, dear one.
We bestow upon you the gift of joy,
The gift of laughter, the gift of the sun."

[Melancholia]

I shared my pain with you
It was intimate, sincere.
I signed a piece of paper
Rules to which I'd adhere.

Because of your position
And because of your facade
I foolishly let my guard down.
After all, you're a man of God!

In the beginning, it was great.
"Hey, I think we should be friends!"
But now I think friendship for you
Only has manipulative ends.

It must be easy
You must be the star.
You talk about your self a lot.
Seems to be taking you far.

You need a cast of devotees
To make yourself feel good
You say it's not about numbers
But that sentiment is hollow, like wood.

A pastor needs to lead
A shepherd protecting his flock
But you, sir? Nah.
I don't think you give a fuck.

It's all about your name
It's all about your face
It's about becoming famous
In a theological race.

I'd say I don't give a fuck,
But clearly, I really, really do.
So all I can say at this point is,
"You snake, wolf in sheep's clothing - fuck you."

[Melancholia]

Show me something

Water King in Reverse

In what area of life is this?

High Priestess in Reverse

How?

Magician in Reverse

Conclusion: My current trajectory is not working. I'm being naive and fanciful. I'm not seeing clearly. I'm in a self induced haze.