Mountain Flower's Diary

[MountainFlower]

Diary, take two.

The posts in my previous diary thread haven't been showing up in the latest-activity feed, so per Animal's suggestion, I've created this new one.

[MountainFlower]

I am not sure how often I will use this space, but I thought I'd give it a try and see where it goes.

To begin, here's something I wrote in my own personal diary a couple of days ago:

[MountainFlower]

[MountainFlower]

[MountainFlower]

Just a mini update:
My therapist managed to get set up to offer virtual sessions, so I am doing that now. The tentative bipolar diagnosis is ever looming, but I don't know that I really care to be thoroughly evaluated and diagnosed. In the mean time, I've got plenty of other assorted baggage to unpack in my sessions, so that's where the focus is for now.

[MountainFlower]

I've been in a severely depressive spell for a while now. I don't want this. I hate feeling like this. But I don't want to be medicated either. I don't want an artificial life. What's the point of living if my experiences are tempered by drugs, everything pacified so I can carry on with this life like an obedient robot? Who is this elusive authority obliging me to live? Who even am I? My own experience of myself isn't even reliable. Which feelings are real? is this real? is this pain real? I don't always feel like this. Is that real too?

Last night, suicidal thoughts re-emerged. These usually take the form of romanticized melodramatic musing rather than of legit possibility, but something felt different this time. The thoughts were accompanied by surges of adrenaline. I thought of the home videos from my childhood that I watched recently. That little girl. That teenager. I feel so dissociated from her. I don't matter. But she does. I feel responsible for her. Could I kill her? Isn't she already dead? How did I get here?

[MountainFlower]

Candide,

[MountainFlower]

[Vive]

Aww, I'm sorry for your loss