What Do You Look For In A Romantic Partner?

[PleasureToBurn]

Are there certain traits or physical attributes you seek out?

[Animal]

I wrote this post years ago right before Daeva and I started talking one on one. I had asked people to post a picture of their ideal partner, physically. I posted a Native American buy who, unbeknownst to me, looked a lot like Daeva aside from the skin color! And I still stand by it.

The link on my website is here: https://ericaxenne.com/2015/05/my-ideal-partner/

[Animal]

Also wanted to add,

I never started with a list of traits, but just found myself deeply attracted to the same type of guy over and over. Any time I was drawn to a different type of guy, it didn't work out as well, and the draw was never quite as powerful to begin with. I'm not just drawn to an amazing person (which would be like admiring a celebrity) but also to a dynamic between me and that person. For whatever it's worth I'm very attuned to these dynamics between others, too.

The type of man that grabs me by the core is highly specific. Now that I've studied enneagram for a while, it has struck me that not only do the three men I wanted the most deeply, all have a similar look ... but also, they were all 6w5s with 9 fix and Soc last. I got help from my group in typing them all separately, never expecting such an exact pattern! Also, at least two are TiSe, and the third might be as well. Contrarily, men I was attracted to for a short time but romance didn't work - yet we maintained excellent, deep friendships - was mostly 9s and 5w6s. I've also seen that consistently, I've been most romantically drawn to women on the 1/2 corner - but in comparison I've had much less experience with deep attraction to women.

I would never, no matter what, EVER select a mate based on some system - like enneagram, CT, or astrology. It's not my style at all, and I am very slow to type people anyway. I know who I want, who I love, and how long it will last, and who will want who more, deep in my gut pretty much right away. I've always been like that. So I have no reason to use a system to guess anything, but I find the connections in retrospect to be extremely interesting!

I had no idea what Daeva looked like when I first sensed it deep in my bones that I was going to fall madly in love with him. In fact, in his case we didn't even need to 'fall in love.' It was as though we had always been together, always would be, and that was it. There was not much pursuing especially once we met in person. It was just acknowledging that our souls had been married for countless lifetimes and so we might as well put an official document on it and get him a green card so we never have to be apart. <3 . But it was only after that, that he saw photos of my ex from two decades before and said "Wow, he looks just like me!"

Of course, I had noticed that energetically these three men had something in common, when you compare them to the grand scheme of all men in the world; but individually, they all seem so different from each other, and my feelings for each was a very different experience. But it's clear that this is the general 'archetype' that works best for me, even though of course, the experiences were not equal or the same.

I'm going to write a separate post that is more specific and personal, to describe exactly what this dynamic is and why it works so well with my soulmate, but this pattern intrigues me so much that I wanted to post it. I also see similar patterns in others. Thus unfolds the rhythm of the world. <3

[Rachel Krause]

Romance seems to find me even if I protest against it... Today I am faced with a man who wants me to want to marry him, and I love him, but I am scared of marriage...He sees my fear as cold and calculated simply because I don't want to get married unless we have a child. Maybe if I was totally past the age where having a child was possible, I would be romantic in the way he wants me to be... Anyhow, I feel like I am being unfair, though, not clear how. What do I look for? Well, number one I look for the ability to get absorbed into his eyes, to see the unknown corners and still feel safe. I look for someone who knows himself well and can look inside me the way he looks inside himself. I like angelic features and irregularities, on the taller side, fast-thinking, good cuddler, messy hair, good bone structure, kissable mouth, dimples come with the smile, a sincere laugh, good smell (especially where the hair meets the back of the neck), somewhere between a fox and a bear....Super smart but modest is key... not afraid of symbolism and spirituality but not religious. A dark sense of humor and absurd spontaneity mixed with a detective of emotions and human behavior... I am also deeply attracted to men that like to build things and make stuff themselves, mercurial yet trustworthy, can code switch... Remembers the 90s, Has a past but is not stuck in it. Can dominate me with one touch. Inspire me with one word. Love me with one glance. Nourish me with one meal and a man who never wants to break me, but rather, really challenges me. I want a man I can heal, comfort, inspire, trust, intuit and grow with.

[vermilionplum]

Used to have an imaginary bf as a kid... ? the cringe is real.
He didn't have any specific physical characteristics, but is the kind that'd drag me along to do stuff together, just the two of us. And puts me on high priority cuz in matter of principle I put partner above all else so it'd be kinda awkward if the other didn't. The typical "will move mountains for love" stuff of folklore.

On the bright side all the daydreaming did give me a good idea of what kind of person to want in a romantic relationship.... so I can say that my romantic life was pretty.... efficient XD. I knew exactly what I wanted so all I had to was to find it.

Reject count: >20
Accept count: 1

It does have a few problems tho, I know what I want because I spent years figuring it out. Had a pretty FML moment a few years back when I realized that not many do the same so there'd be little guarantee that I'm what my partner wants.

Guess we'll see in a few decades how well it works out???? Lol.

Physical features wise I'm not attracted to light hair or light eyes (even medium brown is kinda pushing it). Also don't really like a noticeable pink/red tone to the skin. Past that it'd depend on how the features fit together rather than the individual features themselves.

[PleasureToBurn]

Dark hair. Eyes, lips, figure, voice. Mind, heart, soul. I've been drawn to so many different kinds of women throughout the years though. They at the very least have to appreciate the arts and be intelligent. Sexy and hot over cute, but even that is up for debate. Mostly have been attracted to brunettes, black haired and red haired women. Usually drawn to introverts, but not always. Type wise, INFPs, ESFPs, ISFPs and ENFPs.

Either really feminine women or real like badass tomboy kinda women. Tough women or soft women. A mix of both maybe. I'm attracted to both extremes. Tough women seem to relate to me better, probably because they've also been through some shit. Takes one to know one, something like that.

Intense women. Intense heart, looks, the way she lives, how she loves, how she makes love, something about her has to be intense.

[Animal]

[Animal]

Additional notes:

The celebrities I pictured above, I had pictures of them on my wall for a time, because I was attracted to them. Marilyn Manson less so - I was into his music deeply and I put up his pics among a few other favorites, but I did find him alone to be hot. Whereas Johnny Depp and Jeff Beck each were the sole occupant of my romantic fantasies for a period of time.

There were other celebrities I obsessed over for short periods, but never on that level. Viggo Mortensen (specifically as Aragorn), Jeff Martin (though this also involved a lot of 'I see myself in him'), Jared Leto (this isn't sexual as much as envy and seeing myself in him). The first two are 9s and Leto is 9 fixed, but 3 leading.

I obsessed over Trent Reznor because I felt affinity with his music, but even when I was writing him hate letters and writing songs about what his music did for me, I never was sexually attracted to him in the slightest. I also found John Lennon fascinating and felt drawn to his inner world, but found myself only very slightly attracted. Barely. Those are both 5s.

This is pretty consistent with my real life. I have dated 9s who I was very attracted to, but it kind of fizzled out or didn't quite hit the spot over time. I've also been incredibly close with 5s, and shared artistic exploration the way that I did in my one-sided exploration with Trent and John Lennon - except with the 5s I actually know, it goes both ways and we explore together, adding shape and substance to each other's mindscape. These relationships can be incredibly deep but not sexual at all, even if the 5 is attractive to other women.

But the ones that really grab me by the core are always the 6w5s, always have been, and always will be - although my husband grabbed my core so deep now that it's occupied for life. <3

What I find most fascinating is that there's consistency in my patterns, not just who I'm physically attracted to, but also that I connect with real people in a similar way that my imagination connects to my vision of these celebs. I've never been one to REALLY obsess over a celeb. Aside from Trent Reznor (which was more about coming to terms with my voice loss), I don't write songs about them or write letters. I have never sent a letter to any. If I met them in person, I would realize that I don't know them and I wouldn't have any weird expectations. I'm not unrealistic but my mind kind of...goes to a place of mythology and symbolism, and transforms this attraction into a fictional character. I know, and FEEL, the difference between the character and real life. Nonetheless, I do tend to fall into the same patterns of attraction with real people in my real life. There's no gap here, on an archetypal level. So I find that interesting because I notice that many people have a huge gap between what draws them in their fantasy world and what actually fits in their life. I don't.

I can pine and pine and pine for someone that I can't have (not celebs but someone I've known and loved)... but when it comes down to it, the person on the other end DOES have something archetypal that I genuinely fit with. The obsession may be mythologized in my separate world, far beyond the reality; but I don't mistake it for reality*, and also, the subject of the obsession is never arbitrary. The need for that archetype to be present in my life will always present itself. And it did, over and over until my ideal made his way into my life. I don't idealize my husband at all, as I know his darkness, his suffering, his humanity, his brokenness.... but my 'ideal man' was never a 'perfect idol.' It was always someone with a realistic personality makeup, and one that fits well with mine. Which is why I was able to find him.


* Note: "I don't mistake it for reality" but my reality is my inner world, more so than Earth. So I don't need to.

[DAPHNE XO]

I like women who are (in no particular order):

• easygoing,
• supportive,
• respectful (as in, not having a bitchy/difficult attitude because you're trying to act like a "boss b*tc#"),
• patient (no, i cannot be with you/text you everyday, I'm genuinely really busy at work - but I'll make time),
• mindful (as in, I may not show them all the time, but yes, I have feelings too, and they matter just as much as yours)
• playful (let's hang out, have fun and be silly)
• willing to listen to my opinion (why be in a relationship with an ENTJ if you're just going to ignore everything I know/say?)
• loyal (I'm territorial as fuck, I make no apologies for that)

In turn, I bring stereotypical ENTJ benefits to a relationship. I wouldn't expect this to be a one-sided affair.

[Animal]

Lol I hear you on being territorial =]

[Mahat]

I basically want a man who inspires artistic feelings in me, like a muse. Their beauty, their complexity, their raison de etre, their whole being inspire to something both base and higher within me.

[Mahat]

Makes sense.It seems like when we let people, we'll eventually encounter what we want.

[Vive]

Are there certain traits or physical attributes you seek out?

No.

There is no discernible set of traits or physical features that I seem to fall for, AFAIK. I do obviously have things I like and dislikes, but those aren't necessarily turn-offs. It depends on the person, the context, the time and place. When it feels right and the circumstances allow for it, I go and try something with someone and see where that takes me.

It worked .

[Animal]

Even though I answered this already, I wanted to add another post. On facebook someone asked the same question, and I yapped. So here's my response:

I posted a long answer to this question on a forum years ago when I was single. It's here on my blog, fwiw, but I don't expect anyone to read it.

https://ericaxenne.com/2015/05/my-ideal-partner/

[Princess of Hearts]

In terms of looks: tall and large relative to me, not fat or skinny. I never look at a man and think "Those abs, rawr", but I think about his overall presence next to me, the way his body moves, what he could do.?????????????????????????? ????????????????????????? Darker hair and eyes.

More masculine features, I don't automatically fawn over handsome faces, but I love certain sensuality. It could be in beautifully shaped eyebrows, eyes, cupid's bow, cheeks, something that captivates and makes me focus on his face, also something that reflects his character.
More than anything it's about what he does with his face though, I hate vacuous smile, smiling too much. I also don't like empty feeling caveman energy that shows in faces of men I often encounter, but I like some ruggedness.

In terms of style, men in suits or certain aristocratic looks can be sexy on men who can pull it off, but it's not a must in real life. I generally don't like...any subculture-ness, hipster-ness, a lot of emphasis on any sort of style and philosophy surrounding it, I prefer men who just wear clothes : D

In terms of personality...physical, naturally dominant. Knows what to do with me
Laid back, not a workaholic.
Playful.
Not...fragile.
Also not too cool headed.
(but really it depends on person)

Not obsessed with society, his huge friend group, etc. , does his own thing (and my thing)
???????
When it comes to emotionality, our relationship, romance - I see myself as a queen of the realm of love, passion, romance and explicit shows of those things.
Of course he should have feelings for me and show them, but I'm more likely to feel annoyed and suffocated by a guy who is very romantic, jumps around me all the time, writes poems about my eyes, thinks he's Romeo and talks about eternal love and getting into sword fights for me without even being asked.
I prefer that he's more on the receiving side of it and enjoys being there.