Anyone who knows me well, probably knows that I've always felt like my soul would express best as a man. I never used to be open about this... or at least, not directly. I always had male alter egos, male characters who represented me, androgynous looks or some "heaviness" to my style. A lot of guys naturally have considered me "one of the guys," whereas girls rarely ever included me. But, a lot of straight women wanted to date me, and treated me like I was their protector. In my apartment in the city, I was jokingly called the "man of the house," because I did a lot of the fix-it stuff, walked women to the subway, and lifted more weight than guys whose body shape was comparable. I also had women beg me for my male alter ego to take them to bed (which I refused, since I don't have the equipment). But I never made a 'thing' out of it.
I've often envied the way certain men looked, but never felt that way about any woman. When I first learned about transgenderism in 1999, I looked into it, and heavily considered whether that's a good path for myself. But I decided I'm too short, my chin is too small, and I had enough medications with my illness and didn't want to have to take more. I also didn't want to limit my dating pool when I have so many problems already. It was not an easy choice but in the end, I decided being a woman with masculine tendencies and fantasies (and art to show them to others) was much sexier than being a short guy with delicate features and no equipment. I'd never love my body as a man, so I had to learn to love it as a woman.
I'm not knocking anyone else's choices - but for me, the solution was that I needed to embrace my femininity. This did not come at the cost of my masculinity - on the contrary, it made me more masculine, too. EVERYONE has a masculine and feminine side. Some are balanced differently than others. Working out and embracing my beauty, both the masculine and the feminine, is what set me free from the envy - which ended up destroying one of my relationships with a guy who looked like "male me," and caused much other ongoing distress for me. And now, I am happy with my body, even when I'm out of shape - and my fictional male characters bring out the rest of me. All of me is alive.
Shoving medications in someone's face, and telling them to force pronouns on others, isn't always the solution. Some people really do benefit from transitioning. But the suicide rates among transpeople are high and the de-transition culture is forever growing. Though some people really should transition, many do not need to be pushed into something that will ruin their bodies forever, when they are only teenagers going through a phase. For me, it was not a phase. My dysphoria persists, but I still believe, with every part of my being, that I made the right choice. I forged my beauty from the flames of loss, and I'm raging with life. Transitioning is not the only way to create yourself.
I've often envied the way certain men looked, but never felt that way about any woman. When I first learned about transgenderism in 1999, I looked into it, and heavily considered whether that's a good path for myself. But I decided I'm too short, my chin is too small, and I had enough medications with my illness and didn't want to have to take more. I also didn't want to limit my dating pool when I have so many problems already. It was not an easy choice but in the end, I decided being a woman with masculine tendencies and fantasies (and art to show them to others) was much sexier than being a short guy with delicate features and no equipment. I'd never love my body as a man, so I had to learn to love it as a woman.
I'm not knocking anyone else's choices - but for me, the solution was that I needed to embrace my femininity. This did not come at the cost of my masculinity - on the contrary, it made me more masculine, too. EVERYONE has a masculine and feminine side. Some are balanced differently than others. Working out and embracing my beauty, both the masculine and the feminine, is what set me free from the envy - which ended up destroying one of my relationships with a guy who looked like "male me," and caused much other ongoing distress for me. And now, I am happy with my body, even when I'm out of shape - and my fictional male characters bring out the rest of me. All of me is alive.
Shoving medications in someone's face, and telling them to force pronouns on others, isn't always the solution. Some people really do benefit from transitioning. But the suicide rates among transpeople are high and the de-transition culture is forever growing. Though some people really should transition, many do not need to be pushed into something that will ruin their bodies forever, when they are only teenagers going through a phase. For me, it was not a phase. My dysphoria persists, but I still believe, with every part of my being, that I made the right choice. I forged my beauty from the flames of loss, and I'm raging with life. Transitioning is not the only way to create yourself.
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