Poll: How obsessive is your imaginary love life?

[Animal]

When you're single, what's on your mind in terms of romance?
Note: The poll is multiple choice, but you can only vote once.

[Vive]

I tend to explore and chase more casually to see if anything could lead to a potentially interesting relationship, but at the same time I would put great pressure on myself to improve myself as much as possible so I could handle a proper, mutually-beneficial relationship and attract the right person.

I was always so tense about planning a 'date'. What would be a good place that doesn't disappoint her. I would want her to have the best experience possible. I was so hung up on this concept of needing to go on a 'date'. It became this big monstruous, daunting task and eventually I just realized you just go and do something you think is fun or that she thinks is fun and sometimes you improvise as you go along, you can't really force something into being a good experience. You don't even have to 'date' or hold unto any preconceived notions of what a 'date' is, it doesn't really matter anyways.

[Animal]

I tend to explore and chase more casually to see if anything could lead to a potentially interesting relationship, but at the same time I would put great pressure on myself to improve myself as much as possible so I could handle a proper, mutually-beneficial relationship and attract the right person.

I was always so tense about planning a 'date'. What would be a good place that doesn't disappoint her. I would want her to have the best experience possible. I was so hung up on this concept of needing to go on a 'date'. It became this big monstruous, daunting task and eventually I just realized you just go and do something you think is fun or that she thinks is fun and sometimes you improvise as you go along, you can't really force something into being a good experience. You don't even have to 'date' or hold unto any preconceived notions of what a 'date' is, it doesn't really matter anyways.

I can relate to the obsessiveness about needing to impress someone. I tend to be good at letting events unfold naturally and organically, but I obsess more about what I should and shouldn't say about my feelings in particular, and whether or not I should make a move if he doesn't. I don't have the ability to date casually as much as I would like to. This is not an assumption - I have actually FORCED myself to go on okcupid dates, and it was flat, boring and pointless each time. I gave up quickly on that. It was just a waste of time and I dreaded it and wanted to run away.

Usually what happens with me is I like someone and I find ways to be around him - invite him to my parties (which I suddenly start throwing when he's around, to impress him -- I always have super cool badass friends who I love dearly, and they are happy when I do this too, so it's a win-win situation where he gets brought into a fabulous crowd and my friends get to meet other people that he might know, or that I might invite)... or I invite him to my next video shoot or photoshoot, or whatever, just to lure him into my fabulous and uniquely interesting life. Better yet, if I have stage shows set up, this is ideal since I can invite him to my next show without seeming creepy at all, since every performer wants an audience! I prefer not to reveal my romantic interest right away. I need to have time to suss him out more, to stew in my feelings, and to feel really open with him before I'm comfortable even thinking about something sexual. This applies to both romantic relationships and friends with benefits or 'flings.' I just don't have casual flings, even if I am someone who has flings. They are never casual. They're always with someone whose mind and soul I have penetrated, and who has seen me unleash my inner soul too. Any time I've tried to be more casual or move faster, this ends up happening anyway as he usually pursues me like crazy once we've hooked up. I used to be told I was amazing in bed -- which probably still would be true if I worked out more. So I am always confident that once I get to that point, the guy will come back for more, even though my body isn't perfect. And he always does. The only time I had a problem keeping a guy around when we hooked up quickly was when he was not a very sexual person. Then I had to rely on things like opening up about my feelings, which was not going to happen.... so I fucked up that one big time.

Anyway.. my usual way is to obsess and obsess and obsess over one person - be it a person I'm hanging out with, a fictional character or a celebrity. This obsession with one person can carry on for months or years. And that's who I write songs about. My fictional character was my biggest obsession until I realized he turned into male me -- LOL -- and then I started realizing he was basically my inspiration and my path to self improvement.

As for self-improvement... this is my biggest obsession, and it is definitely triggered by being into someone real, who is in my life, rather than a celeb. When I'm turned on and can't have him, my hormones run high and I find myself needing to work out constantly to expel my frustration, angst, fear and desire. Otherwise I would not be able to survive in my own skin. I also obsess over my music and writing and any project I'm working on, and find myself literally working from wake time to sleep time without a break, even working while I'm eating - because I want to impress him with my work. And I start wearing amazing outfits and hair styles and just making myself all around impressive, with a deep need to be amazing, and a constant frustration that I'm not amazing enough to deserve this incredibly beautiful man. I like sweet men, and I'm never as sweet as them, nor am I nurturing and wifey - so I need to make up for it by making my art and my unique look absolutely irreplaceable. Peacocks and lyre birds have nothing on me. My desperation to impress is through the roof.

However, there are also many times when I'm not into someone that is within reach - and then I can end up writing a lot. Because I lose myself in fantasy, where there is romance, sexual tension and intrigue. The worst times are when I'm obsessing over my ex... the ex. It always goes back to him. It's kind of lame, but after most breakups I mourn for a very short time - like a week or two - but then if the breakup was particularly painful, my thoughts stray back to my first love, who broke my heart. Sometimes I felt like he still had my heart and I never got it back. And I would obsess and obsess and obsess. This only changed in my 30s when he and I finally reconnected and got closure, and I felt free to give my heart to my most beautiful love and soulmate, Daeva .

And when I was writing about fictional characters - there were two. One was the character who turned into me. The other was basically Daeva - in many forms. The other three prominent fictional male romantic leads were him. As if I remembered him from a previous life.

[Daeva]

I voted the following:

• One person I'm obsessed with from afar
• Obsessing about self-improvement so I can get ready for my ideal partner
• Looking everywhere for The One; settling for nothing less

I yearn, crave, pine, drive myself nuts over one person on whom I am fixated. Years at a time. But I've been too shy to act on it in the past. So instead I tried to focus on improving myself to become the best me she deserves. I also made a vow to never settle. Never, ever settle. Only the One will do. Impossibly high standards, one might ask. Yet I found her.
These high standards are also part of the reason why I have been so hesitant with acting on my obsessions. I knew, on some level, that they weren't the One, and I thought it unfair to them for me to court them whilst knowing it wouldn't last. Here I was too harsh to myself. It's okay to follow your heart. Don't ensnare it.

[Animal]

Yes, I went the other way and pursued so that I could "live my life" - even knowing they were not The One (and being very honest about that, when it came time to be in a real relationship). I suffer with the guilt of knowing I hurt people, even if I went out of my way to inform them. And so often I beat myself up for not being more like you. I guess there's no good way to handle this. I wish I found you when we were 12 - I'd give it all up to have spent all those extra years with you, and never had to deal with all those difficult obsessions and moral dilemmas. I wish that every day. <3

[MountainFlower]

I picked:
One person I'm obsessed with from afar
Chasing prospects obsessively
Dating intensely; looking for The One
Pining for my ex
Looking everywhere for The One; settling for nothing less

Copied over from discord:

I have been preoccupied with the idea of finding my soulmate since as far back as age 10, that I can remember. Every birthday, that's what I wished for when I blew out the candle. I was devastated when my sweet 16 came around and I hadn't even had my first kiss yet.

I wanted to belong entirely to one person. I don't believe there is only one soulmate out there, but once I find one, that's it. I want nothing else. Nothing else could be good enough.

I saved my virginity thinking it a gift only my chosen one to be worthy of. I thought I found him. I got married. I was so obsessed for the first few years, despite so many red flags. I thought it romantic somehow to be in such a toxic relationship... like Phantom of the Opera or something. But trust is number one for me. And he broke that. Many times. I don't know if/when I will be able to leave. If I even want to. I feel like damaged goods now. I can't start over. Nevertheless, I fill the hole in my heart with pining from afar. For the one who got away. This person had completely left my thoughts when I was happily married. They returned some 5 or so years ago and no one else has caught my attention since. I am that committed/obsessed when I think I've found what I want. Several guys have hit on me since I've been married. One of them even wanted to save me ... offering all the resources I could ever need to leave. But no thank you. I want what I want. And if I can't have it, then I take no substitute.

[Animal]

I understand. I pined for 18 years for my first love, even though I dated in between. Any time I had a breakup my mind just drifted right back to my first love. I knew he wasn't my soulmate - but he left a hole in my heart which could not be filled until we talked again later on and got closure. I will always love him but I'm happy with the situation now. We cannot be together, and I have found my soulmate, the only man who could fulfill me completely, in many ways that my first love did but also in many ways that he couldn't. He is my everything. But after what I had as a teenager, nothing less than absolute perfection would do, at least not for a real commitment like marriage. I also thought I was damaged goods, because I'd given my heart away completely, and no one else could ever love me after that.

And that leads to my next point: you are not damaged goods. My soulmate loves me, even with my past. He loves my past for what it is, and he understands fully that he wasn't there, and if he had been there, I would have been with him, and him alone. But he wasn't, so I lived my life. Any man that fails to understand this would not be my soulmate - he would be a mere substitute. If you find the right guy, the one that loves you inside and out for who you are - he will not begrudge you your past, neither your loves nor your mistakes. He will help you heal.

Think of it this way. Would you begrudge him his past? Would you see him as "damaged" simply because you're both adults and have history? I'll let you answer that. But to answer for myself, I knew I would not do that; yet for some reason I thought a man would do that to me, and see me as used up. I was wrong. My husband sees my innocence, my beauty, my pain and my losses; he sees my potential and my hope, and just.. everything. And he loves it all.

[MountainFlower]

"Would you begrudge him his past? Would you see him as "damaged" simply because you're both adults and have history?" No, but I don't expect others to be as forgiving as I. And well, a big part of it too is how I want to present myself, not just how another will or won't accept me. I have a vision of perfect romance in my head that can no longer be fulfilled because of my past. The one I've got filling the hole in my heart right now, I've idealized him into such a worthy and pure soul that comparatively I am worth nothing, let alone worthy of him. I am bound by too many threads idealism.

[Animal]

I did the same thing and my husband ticks all my idealism boxes and then some. But he still loves me. So I'm just saying... anything is possible. You are way more gorgeous, healthy and feminine than me, so the likelihood you would attract a great man is higher as well.

[Qassim]

I gave up on this at the age of 8. I had no choice. My destiny is to live and die alone. This still hurts a lot sometimes and has negatively impacted (destroyed) my self-esteem, but I suppose it is for the best.

[Full_fathom]

Sorry I missed this, it feels like the continuum of "obsession" skipped right over me. I used to think about romance constantly, (still do?). Since the options didn't present that way, I'll check the imagined "making love to a domestic perfection".

[janie]

I'm terrible. I'm like the poster child for "torchbearer".

[Princess of Hearts]

Very. I always think that the person I'm obsessed with will feel my love even though we are miles apart and they'll forget about all other women. Obviously for that to work I also have to be gorgeous and perfect so they don't think that I'm sad and pathetic (which I definitely am) and instead feel "Wow the most beautiful woman in the world is wasting her life waiting for *me*?" Or honestly at least if I'm sad, pathetic and crazy I need to look like the hot kind of sad, pathetic and crazy, the worst thing would be him not even wanting to take advantage of me. Sometimes I pretend to be interested in someone else to make him jealous even if it's just in my head, but it's literally not possible for me to really be into anyone else.

[Princess of Hearts]

Just realized how sad this is and like this is my version of duluding and comforting myself

[La Dame Aux Roses]

Obsessive but also literally hopeless, trying to figure out how to just grow old and make my life about gardens and china patterns (metaphorical gardens and china patterns) and...birdwatching and things, think it really helps to actually be the right age for these things.

Historically my life was about trying to be perfect for the person I would eventually end up with, that was a big waste of time and I guess it still inspires me, even if I can't actually be with them I want them to be loved by the most beautiful person in the world (thin logic but it helps me not gain ten thousand pounds and feel like there's a reason)

I was always pretty obsessive though, my crushes always lasted for years, but I was also aware that I was 'using' them for inspiration, as a kind of star to follow (even if my feelings were genuine or I believed them to be). I miss my earlier life, when I was so sure that someone was waiting for me, just this constant background awareness that any street I walked down could be the street where I'd meet Him, it made everything important, you could say it was illusory if you wanted but I preferred the illusion that my life was leading somewhere than just...leading away from somewhere. Like idk romantic obsession was the one thing that made me feel like a human being, I can't even say if I'm still obsessive but the obsession naturally feeds into nothingness so it isn't helpful, but before that was a very useful part of my life, I needed it to survive in a sense

[PleasureToBurn]

Usually when I'm single I don't mind it. I mean yeah I'm always on the lookout, but not that obsessed with it until I see someone I like. I'm usually hot or cold with people, but I know what I want and then it's like laser focused.

As of now though, going through alot of heavy heartbreak and I wish I was less obsessed. A part of it scares me because I think it's put a colder cynicism in me towards love and romance now, and that's going to take a long time to undue if it ever even happens, and trust me I've tried, but I don't know. Right now it's bad, like really bad, and the fact that it's this bad is also scary to me. I went all in, completely gave it everything I got, and it was all for nothing.

I think my problem is that even though I'm pretty cynical in general, when I fall I fall very hard and very fast, and then shit like this happens and reminds me why it's stupid to be like that. Like they say in boxing, protect yourself at all times. It's like that with your heart. Don't let anyone in and they can never hurt you.