What is the deadly sin you struggle with most?

[BalalaikaBoy]

people commonly say envy, lust, gluttony, etc, but tbh, mine is wrath. tbh, I'm glad I'm a Christian, and doubly glad that I've studied enough history to actually comprehend many of its tenants on a logical level when before they just confused me. to be honest, without Christianity, it would be fairly easy to view myself as either doing the will of God or even thinking of myself as a god of justice. A lot of my self-work has been on forgiveness, turning that sense of justice inward and tearing apart my own shortcomings and, at the risk of sounding cliche, actually learning to value human life and see the humanity in people, because naturally, I'm pretty sure I could decapitate someone, or even a large group of people I viewed as evil and not bat an eye.

I feel like I was born with some natural sense of right and wrong that 99% of people lack and that those who defy me should be subjugated and subjected to fear and pain until they submit. of course, the operant word here is feel, because rationally I know this is a bunch of borderline-cartoonish nonsense. I'm NiTe ego, so naturally I already see how a lot of this would play out even if I were right all the time, but in addition to that, I'm well-versed enough in history to see the kind of fucked up shit that kind of thinking can open up for 1000 years at a time. humility doesn't mean that you can't think you're awesome, but it does mean knowing your limits, in terms of your body, your morality and your level of competence.

it's more than just that though. digging deeper, I've realized that...I kind of want the excuse to hurt people. I have enough principles to hold myself back most of the time, but when I do have the excuse to be a little sadistic, it produces a high that's a bit like sex. like, you can smell the pheromones of their fear, feel their heart beating faster, watch the them sweat and it becomes like the hunting equivalent of an erection where you just want to chase them more. this is actually a big reason why I support capitalism. I'm going to acquire power, and I deserve it, so the question is: do you have a system where ambitious people have the right to acquire power by moral means (providing high quality goods and services), or are people forced to become tyrants, courtiers or seductresses to gain power?

PS: incidentally, while this is true morally, it isn't true intellectually. intellect and knowledge are just tools to me. if someone points out somewhere where I'm wrong, my default orientation is "cool! now I can get better results! thanks"

[vermilionplum]

Sloth- am more than content to watch, laugh, and eat popcorn.
In fact, I am too lazy to type out exactly why

[PleasureToBurn]

I agree with your sentiments about wrath, though I struggle more with either lust or gluttony. I'm sex crazed and excessive. I'd go full on Roman orgy if I could. Simpler times.

[Melancholia]

Sloth. Hands down. Even before I typed as 9. Which is ridiculous in hindsight. Anyway. Yeah. I'm an excellent planner, I can even implement something really well, but consistency is ALWAYS lacking. Long story short, I just don't want to do it. I feel like there's a wall. That's depression, too, but even on good days it's way too easy for me to just roll over.

[Mahat]

My biggest vices have been circumscribed around sloth, envy, and wrath, all of which are coagulated into each other.

Sloth - It's easy for me to not give a fuck. The true essence of living is to be present, an honestly a lot of the times I'm just content to show up and not exert much effort which is something I hate about myself. I also have depression so there's that. All of my life I've been trying to combat my natural tendency towards laziness. The thing is, I'm mentally alert and aware, but the gap between my awareness and drive is great. I'm still attached to the womb, and I don't want to stray away from its warm amniotic fluid. I'd rather be a brain in a jar and not have to worry about embodiment. Embodiment crystallizes one's presence and puts you in a dynamic field with other people and your environment, and this requires exertion, maintenance, and novel ways of being. This means your homeostasis is constantly being rattled and calibrated.

Envy and Wrath - These vices co-occur and are submerged. I really don't want to get into the reasons why, but I have a deep sense of inferiority (even admitting that publicly is too vulnerable for me). With that comes envy towards those who seem "fuller" - full of life, full of passion, etc. And with envy comes wrath. I'd rather get angry than feel depressed and hopeless as anger is a catalyst and it's expansive rather than deflating. And I feel a deep sense of rage, a rage that stems from a disconnect from one's own vitality. Anger is a fast-track access to that vitality. Anger, sloth (loss of vitality), and envy are all tied to my core image issues (2w1, heart in the gut space). I'm always trying to find my niche, which can be difficult because it requires challenging myself, and when that niche is being encroached upon, I get belligerent and competitive. It also induces a crisis in identity. All of these emotions can be reduced to that disconnect to my own vitality, which I mentioned before, and that disconnect occluding my essence.

[Animal]

"And I feel a deep sense of rage, a rage that stems from a disconnect from one's own vitality. "

As someone with no 9 in my tritype at all, not even a line to 9, I will say that this is still relatable - in the sense that I also felt disconnected from my 'innocence' which was the vitality, the pure meaning of life. Instead of doing what 9s or 9 fixers do, and 'not giving a fuck,' I focus on something and chase it, directing that desire for vitality at something. But it never fills me up in the long term, and I come up empty. So it's still a loss of vitality. And this is why 9 crowns the enneagram, because ultimately death is a loss of vitality as we know it, and life is the spark of vitality. So it runs through every other problem so deeply, that many of us seem to connect easily to our gut fixation, which is most closely related to that loss.

[[redacted]]

as a 9-fixer I never really resonated with "not giving a fuck" as that mindset doesn't come naturally to me at all. I feel my 9-fix rather adds to this sense of powerlessness, a sense of being *unable* to survive outside of the womb. even if I hate it too because what I want is beyond my grasp, but out there I will freeze to death.

[Animal]

In those photos, I am about 16 or 17. I made the compilation a couple years later.

Obviously, it's a commentary on my lust from a fourish angle. 4-1, at that. I was traumatized, unhealthy. My lust and desire was boundless. I understood that when I lost my voice and my first love, I also lost my innocence. And all that was left was a hungry animal, consuming its prey.

My energy has always been too big to fit in my body, let alone with the illness - and my desire is too expansive to survive the throes of my shame.

So if you asked me what is my sin? I'd say LUST, without hesitation. I have written about it extensively for over 20 years, I have lived it out, I've consumed, conquered and possessed. But what I really wanted was to surrender, the way I once did to music, when my love for music was pure and innocent, and all there was, was my voice and the cosmos. I wanted my innocence back, my true love, my Erosia. But I was exiled for the sin of obsessive, possessive lust and the loss of my ability to love.


https://ericaxenne.com/2018/08/lust/

And it goes beyond men, but the inferno of desire is what drives me to make art about it. These obsessions with men were not actualized in the flesh, in all cases - but the more I craved and longed and desired, the more they served as a hot flaming muse for my art, where I surrendered my soul, vulnerable and raw. I even wrote in a diary that without my lust, there would be no light at the end of the tunnel.

It may be obvious to an onlooker that there's major shame at play here, but it wasn't obvious to me. Due to my all-consuming lust and the loss of my innocence, I insisted for a long time that I had no shame. Envy was for people who have no personality and need to copy someone else, which is not me. If I was that empty I might as well just stop consuming plants and meats because my life is worthless without passion and dreams of my own. So fuck envy and shame - the problem was lust.

We all can see through this lie now. The envy was the burning, desirous longing for this flame, the frustration, the yearning - and the shame about it.

But I still can't bring myself to say "Envy is my sin" without feeling like I'm forcing it to fit the paradigm. I get that it's true intellectually, but my heart and body still needs to catch up. The frustrated desire, in essence, is my sin; and the lust drives me to chase and conquer. It is my fuel, my flame, my art. My fight. Without it, I'd be nothing.

[PleasureToBurn]

BalalaikaBoy did you identify your wrath with any GoT characters or scenes? This could be a whole thread it itself, but were there any scenes that resonated with you with regards to wrath?

[inkreservoir]

Umm, I'm not sure about "struggle with" per se but I identify most with pride.

[La Dame Aux Roses]

I guess as a 2 the 'right answer' would be Pride (and of course Pride is supposed to be the source of all other sins so probably in a very metaphysical way it is anyways) but I don't realistically think I'm a very prideful person and it would be a silly thing to focus on for self-improvement.

Was once told (by a stranger) that my main sin was being envious, wishing I was like other people etc. I can't actually say if it's true or not but I expect I do struggle with this kind of envy, and that would be fairly common to all image types.

For the others I say I struggle with lust, gluttony, and sloth to a normal extent (maybe sloth the most actually but it's a more ignorable weakness ) and with wrath and avarice not at all, the only thing I could really say about avarice is that I can be selfish with my time, and there are moments when I am angry but I wouldn't say it's a theme in my life.

edit: actually I don't know if I'm that slothful or if I just have trouble valuing money, don't think I'm particularly lazy when it comes to non-work-related things.

Anyways 'lust and gluttony' tend to be top of mind for me but probably envy is the bigger problem, or in a different lens despair which probably sources from this same thing, not accepting my place in the world and wanting to be someone different or have things that aren't for me (and this is the main source of lust and gluttony in the first place, reacting against despair)