explain or rant about some platitudes, conventional wisdom or fake ass, dismissive advice that makes you rage. don't hold back, I want this to be cathartic.
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I speak in a whisper, and every time I go out, people ask "What's wrong with your voice?" Cashiers, waiters and waitresses, passersby, people behind me on line.... everyone. It's amazing how many times per day this can happen if I'm not actively scowling and avoiding eye contact... and even then....
So they will ask, "What's wrong with your voice?" and there are a million answers I can give. Usually I say "This is my voice," or "I was born this way." Sometimes I say "I lost my voice 20 years ago from an illness."
At that point, some people proceed to ask questions, others apologize for their rudeness..... but the majority begin to offer advice. The most common ones I get are: "You should try drinking some tea," and, "You should see a doctor."
Like.. are you FUCKING. JOKING. I just told you my voice has been this way all my life, or for 20 years. You're telling me TRY DRINKING SOME FUCKING TEA and SEE A DOCTOR???? As if I haven't done that in 20 fucking years, or worse, my whole entire life?!!!
Other common advice: "You should quit smoking." I've never smoked a cigarette in my life.
I realize this is specific to me, but still. Stay the flying fuck out of people's medical problems unless you are asked, for the love of God. And if someone just told you that they're essentially disabled, don't give them advice about how to fix the disability. I can't even begin to describe how demeaning that is.
And I know they only do it because they're scrambling for control. My story, however casually I tell it, makes them think of their own voice, their own life. If they can convince themselves I did something wrong -- that I could just fix my problems with tea or a doctor's appointment - then surely they don't have to confront their own mortality. They can pretend there's a quick, easy fix instead of owning up to the fact that we're all going to die and it could happen to them at any time. They could lose any asset at any time - and there's nothing they can do...... but this is too hard to face.
I get it, and I empathize - but nonetheless, the advice is demeaning and boring. This is why sometimes, when they ask what's wrong with my voice, I tell them I'm a prostitute and I choked on a customer last night. Then I don't have to endure their advice and questions, or their lectures about how my illness isn't real. The only thing I have to do is laugh at the face they make and how quickly they avoid me. And that is much more pleasant. But most of the time, I just don't have the heart to do that. -
"The hardest part of life is just showing up"
uh....NO! I dare you to pass any accounting class ever with that mindset.Comment
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Things To Not Say To Someone Experiencing A Miscarriage
1. "At least it's early."
2. "At least it wasn't your first, that would have been way worse."
3. "Everything happens for a reason."
4. "Well, maybe it's a blessing in disguise."
5. "You can try again."
6. "I mean, it's not like it was an actual baby at that point."Comment
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"idiots" is a charitable interpretation. imo, "terrible boundaries" is a better diagnosis. -
Actually, there aren't many consistencies between the people who have said these type of things to me. It's not left or right - it's "I've had a miscarriage" and "I haven't had a miscarriage."
You literally know nothing until you experience it. So in that sense I do have some grace for people. Doesn't suck less though. -
I guess I still expect some level of cognitive empathy even if they don't have a visceral understanding of what it's like.
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