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music symbolizing memories and parts of life

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    music symbolizing memories and parts of life

    I am interested in how other people process music that they listened to in the past and currently. To me music has always represented my moods and the things that were going on in life. When I listen to an old song it brings up the old feelings and I can literally feel like I've been placed back in time. I also can distinctly remember the exact songs that went along with certain years. I've always played music as if it were theme music and I'm in a movie. Interested to hear thoughts from other people.

    I'm posting a kind of timeline for music that represents my life so far.

    Ages 3-6 (rough numbers but about right). I can remember putting this album on and this song would always blast way too loud and I loved it. I doubt I fully understood it, but related to the darkness in her voice. I remember spinning in the living room with my eyes closed until I would fall on the floor. It gives an eerie feeling where you still feel like you're spinning after you have fallen.



    Sometime between elementary school and middle school. My younger years are actually less foggy than this time period because I was extremely miserable at these ages, but I do remember playing this album. This song kind of sums it up for me because I absolutely loved Yeats. He was my favorite poet. I also loved any sort of fantasy. I would read stacks of fantasy books every day (probably why I can't actually remember much. All I remember is devouring books like Lord of The Rings etc). I also started writing my own fantasy books and poems during this time.



    Age 13. I played David Gray albums all year. This song stands out. It brings up the deep longing and melancholy I felt, as if I was missing something and could never know what it was. I remember going to the city with my parents and we'd always drive home at night. I'd be playing this song on my mp3 player and could see the lights of the city spreading out through the valley. It's a feeling like no other. Simultaneously extremely lonely while also euphoric. A completely unfettered feeling of longing for something you can't understand.



    Age 14 I'm posting two important songs.



    This song encompasses a lot. The starting saxophone piece is something I can never rid from my mind because it also encompasses the deep longing that I felt for many years in an indescribable way. When I think of saxophone I think of this song. The lyrics also pierced me because I could not comprehend how people just ran around frantically bound to their jobs. Also this portion of the song stands out:
    "And fear is such a vicious thing
    It wraps me up in chains

    Find out, find out
    What this fear is about
    Find out, find out"

    I was highly wrapped up into extreme agonizing fear that I would never be capable of working like normal people to begin with.



    This song is the second song. I used to play the Joshua Tree album almost every day. This song again encompasses the constant longing for something I did not understand.

    Age 15. I would play this song on repeat. I was homeschooled and I had online videos to watch but I'd mute the videos and play this song on repeat instead. I also read 1984 around this time which this song is about and it's one of my favorite books ever.



    I also used to play this song on repeat and cry. It got to the utter failure and aloneness I felt. I felt like there was no way I'd ever survive on my own.



    Age 16. I would play both of the songs below on repeat. I was utterly obsessed with a guy in another country. The feeling of longing for something I didn't understand was replaced by a painful longing for a person (definitely a much better feeling to be honest. I came more awake with resolve to conquer my fears because I had something tangible to fight for)





    Age 17. I played a lot of Mumford and Sons songs. I had a strong sense of resolve to succeed and take my power back.




    Age 18. Everything collapsed between me and that guy. I felt black and like everything had been sucked out of me. Constant anger 24/7.





    Age 19. new hope and new beginnings. The year I started college. I would play East of Eden over and over. A guy I dated used to play it over and over. It gives a feeling of euphoria and magic, not in a bad way. It just gave a sense of running towards finding myself again.



    This is the song I dedicated to my current boyfriend that year when we were having problems.



    I also used to play this song on repeat. I'll just post the lyrics. It symbolized returning back to just ambiguous human form versus the vampire I felt I was the year before

    I heard from God today, and she sounded just like me.
    What have I done, and who have I become.
    I saw the Devil today, and he looked a lot like me.
    I looked away, I turned away!

    Arms wide open, I stand alone.
    I'm no hero, and I'm not made of stone.
    Right or wrong, I can hardly tell.
    I'm on the wrong side of heaven, and the righteous side of hell.
    The wrong side of heaven, and the righteous side, the righteous side of hell.



    Age 20 and here I'll stop, although I could go on, but this marked the transition into using the full weight of my power. This song symbolized the realization I could carry things along effortlessly in my path


    The day is done, and the darkness

    Falls from the wings of Night,

    As a feather is wafted downward

    From an eagle in his flight.


    I see the lights of the village

    Gleam through the rain and the mist,

    And a feeling of sadness comes o'er me

    That my soul cannot resist:


    A feeling of sadness and longing,

    That is not akin to pain,

    And resembles sorrow only

    As the mist resembles the rain.

    #2
    Decided to finish off the rest of the years in terms of songs just because in a separate post

    Age 21. I was very happy this year. I met my friend Sarah and we were always together. We would go out to Box canyon in the middle of nowhere and do homework out there. We would go in the middle of the night and stare at the stars. We drove out to a place called T or C one weekend and went to the hot springs and then did homework at Dennys for the rest of the day. I was a waitress for the first part of the year and was making money out the ass, which was great and then later transferred to my campus job at the IT dept which was one of the best things that ever happened. We used to play this song all the time



    I'm gonna be myself
    Or I could be someone else
    No one's stopping me now
    I'm gonna skip my breaks
    I'm gonna make mistakes
    I just wanna feel alive
    It's just what I do when I'm out so
    Try not to hold me down
    Feel alive, when I'm in this town
    Look at those beautiful stars
    I wanna drive a faster car
    Nothing can break me
    No no nothing can break me
    Look at those beautiful stars
    I wanna drive a faster car

    Age 22. Not as great of a year because my health started to fall apart. I ended up in the ER for a fast heart rate and then when it wouldn't go away ended up having to go to a cardiologist. I stopped sleeping at night and was surviving my classes through a blur. I used to play this entire album over and over that year but this song stands out. I felt trapped and scared in my head, in a confusing land where nobody could find much wrong with me



    Insane obsession
    is growing faster
    there's no medication
    It's hard to realise
    lost in confusion
    I hear the silence
    is screaming aloud inside
    Delirium, delirium
    Delirium, delirium
    Enclosed in a shrine
    locked away inside my mind
    I walk in the darkness and neon lights
    delirium will take me away

    Age 23 I played a lot of lyricless songs. very mixed year. I still struggled with a bunch of health issues, but also had big moments of success getting a research position over the summer and figuring out exactly what I wanted to go into. The songs I played captured bringing my art and soul back into play. They didn't need lyrics to capture the essence of everything I felt.



    The day is done, and the darkness

    Falls from the wings of Night,

    As a feather is wafted downward

    From an eagle in his flight.


    I see the lights of the village

    Gleam through the rain and the mist,

    And a feeling of sadness comes o'er me

    That my soul cannot resist:


    A feeling of sadness and longing,

    That is not akin to pain,

    And resembles sorrow only

    As the mist resembles the rain.

    Comment


    • [redacted]
      [redacted] commented
      Editing a comment
      that delirium song is nice

    #3


    "Something I Can Never Have"

    I still recall the taste of your tears
    Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
    My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
    Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore

    You make this all go away
    You make this all go away
    I'm down to just one thing
    And I'm starting to scare myself
    You make this all go away
    You make this all go away
    I just want something
    I just want something I can never have

    You always were the one to show me how
    Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
    This thing is slowly taking me apart
    Grey would be the color if I had a heart

    Come on tell me

    In this place it seems like such a shame
    Though it all looks different now
    I know it's still the same
    Everywhere I look you're all I see
    Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be

    Come on tell me

    I just want something I can never have

    --
    From PM:
    he has that HUGE soundtrack of intimidating and eerie sounds and then he just gets up naked in the front like that
    singing words like this
    i still think he is the #1 best best best best best among musicians.. daring as fuck.. bold.. vulnerable
    and i always related to how his competency to create these complex intense background tracks as a kind of 'shield' or castle around him, gave him permission to undress like that
    and lay himself bare
    since he was protected within the walls of his genius
    he wanted to write his later album, "The Fragile,' with just him and the piano and he couldnt. he avoided it forever and eventually added drum machines and stuff
    he felt too naked.
    and ironically then couldn't be himself
    but i understood this about him before i read anything about it
    it was so obvious to me before that album even came out (i was about 20)
    an Sp 5 with his "castle" of brilliance around his naked shaking little body and nasal voice


    I hurt myself today
    To see if I still feel
    I focus on the pain
    The only thing that's real
    The needle tears a hole
    The old familiar sting
    Try to kill it all away
    But I remember everything

    What have I become?
    My sweetest friend
    Everyone I know
    Goes away in the end
    You could have it all
    My empire of dirt
    I will let you down
    I will make you hurt

    I wear this crown of shit
    Upon my liar's chair
    Full of broken thoughts
    I cannot repair
    Beneath the stains of time
    The feelings disappear
    You are someone else
    I am still right here

    What have I become?
    My sweetest friend
    Everyone I know
    Goes away in the end

    You could have it all
    My empire of dirt
    I will let you down
    I will make you hurt
    If I could start again
    A million miles away
    I would keep myself
    I would find a way


    From PM:
    i used to listen to this song on repeat for months at a time and obsess about [my ex]
    but it would just make my heart close up and lose faith in everyone so i had to stop listening to NIN to quit drugs and get my soul back

    'Beneath the stains of time
    The feelings disappear
    You are someone else
    I am still right here'


    this killed me
    so many of his lyrics were similar to my early lyrics
    i even named a song and an album broken and then found out he had done that
    this is a perfect desert arid 5 song


    "The Day The World Went Away"

    I'd listen to the words he'd say
    but in his voice I heard decay
    the plastic face forced to portray
    all the insides left cold and gray
    there is a place that still remains
    it eats the fear it eats the pain
    the sweetest price he'll have to pay
    the day the whole world went away

    --

    Then PM stopped for now. But I will add that this is the song that explains what I mean - why that line killed me. "You are someone else, I am still right here."
    After the whole world went away - this is what I was 'becoming.'



    "The Becoming"Click image for larger version

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    This was lyrics from a song of mine, which was about the experience of playing a drum machine while my amazing 4 friend played piano and sang. He had what I had lost - his voice. But the song also was about how I feel when listening to Nine inch Nails. It came out on a whim -- someone else recorded me improvising. I hadn't sang at all in years; I had barely a whimper of a whisper. That song hasn't been posted anywhere since I only have a demo, but I made this with the lyrics (which make less sense out of context of the song)

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    These photos made me think of this song that I used to blast in college.



    "The Wretched"

    just a reflection
    just a glimpse
    just a little reminder
    of all the what abouts
    and all the might have
    could have beens
    another day
    some other way
    but not another reason to continue
    and now you're one of us
    the wretched

    the hopes and prays
    the better days
    the far aways
    forget it

    it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
    it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it?
    it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
    it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it?

    now you know
    this is what it feels like
    now you know
    this is what it feels like

    the clouds will part and the sky cracks open
    and god himself will reach his fucking arm through
    just to push you down
    just to hold you down
    stuck in this hole with the shit and the piss
    and it's hard to believe it could come down to thisback at the beginning
    sinking
    spinning

    and in the end
    we still pretend
    the time we spend
    not knowing when
    you're finally free
    and you could be

    but it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
    it didn't turn out quite the way that you wanted it

    now you know
    this is what it feels like
    now you know
    this is what it feels like

    you can try to stop it but it keeps on coming
    you can try to stop it but


    ---

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    Everywhere I look, you're all I see
    Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be


    Comment


    • Animal
      Animal commented
      Editing a comment

    • Animal
      Animal commented
      Editing a comment
      That's why I avoided this thread until now. I waited until the urge came, because fuck if I'm going to chase that urge. I will be adding more as it comes, but thankfully Daeva rescued me for now.
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