Mental Health Log

[Mahat]

To put it succinctly, I tend to withdraw into my mindscape when in reality I should be more in the world, in the world of embodiment.

[Mahat]

My mind, both in health and unhealth, resorts to hyper-intellectualization. When in unhealth, my anger is caused by anxiety, not in the clinical sense (though that may be present) but by way of existential dread. Hyper-rumination commences. When in health, all of this mental energy leads to intellectual hyper-consumption in response to my mind being on overdrive. The latter may seem like a positive indication of health, and it is, however...when not tempered by temperance and mindfulness, it can lead to a degeneration in my routine and thus leading to me being less grounded. So while my mind is no longer focused on my anger and pain, there's still a mental myopia that occurs. Lately, I've been doing research on an essay I'll write (not for school or work, but just for writing purposes), and I've been immersed in Adorno, Hegel, Kant, Nietzsche, etc, and it's been consuming my mind. Everything is centered around that essay (and it's not like a I'm writing a dissertation, it might not even be that long in the end). So my current task to hanker down on this type of obsessiveness by doing my CBT exercises whenever I feel like I'm starting to get in the thrall of this impulse.

[Mahat]

Roshan affect-wise, I'm feeling much much better. The combination of the meds and medication are amazing. Task-wise, things are little slow because I've had errands to run all this week. I still haven't gotten around testing my T levels yet. But I'm starting to get used to the nightly and morning routines and a consistent wake-sleep schedule. I know I haven't done my CBT exercises on this thread yet, but I've been doing them when any flare ups do arise.

[Mahat]

Working on small, concrete practical goals really helps to keep me grounded, organized, and focused. I tend to be detached from the more material and quotidian aspects of life. In the past, I would've thought of them as small and inconsequential, but the more I neglect them, the more they add up and become a problem. The devil is in the details. You can't work on big goals if the small details aren't taken cared of. At least I can't.

[Mahat]

I met with my CBT therapist yesterday and the session lasted an hour and half since it was an intake session. She was very thorough in her questioning since she was trying to see if what I have is really Bipolar ll and she mentioned that she might do some more additional tests to see what's going on. I already told my psychiatrist that I want to get my testosterone levels tested but I forgot to mention this to my CBT therapist. Here is an article on high testosterone in women:

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/321292

The symptoms of high T in women:

• acne
• deep voice
• excess hair on the face and body (not so such now since my body hair has thinned)
• increased muscle mass
• irregular periods (my periods only last 2 days)
• larger-than-normal clitoris
• loss of libido
• mood changes
• reduction in breast size
• thinning hair

I highlighted the symptoms that I have. My acne has subsided these past 2 years, but I had to use spironolactone to treat it. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of my issues stem from high T. I'll call my psychiatrist today so she can write a note about the need to test my T levels, which I'll give to the doctor at the immediate care clinic. When testing T levels, you need to measure the Total T and Free T levels,

https://www.everlywell.com/blog/test...t-and-total-t/

So this week, I made the goal that I'll start cleaning my room which entails waking up early enough to do it before work. On Sunday, I threw away all of the trash in my room. I didn't clean yesterday since I had my appointment. She gave me a little exercise to do during the week, and tomorrow, I'll do one on this thread. Since Stoicism is the theoretical ancestor of cognitive behavioral therapy, I'm looking more into it:

https://www.njlifehacks.com/what-is-...ic-principles/

[Mahat]

I'll be logging my progress in this thread.

The Basics
Diagnosis: Bipolar II with intrusive and obsessive-compulsive violent thoughts

Medication: Wellbutrin 150mg (anti-depressant), Abilify 5mg (atypical anti-psychotic), NAC 600mg (originally used to treat Tylenol overdoses but it can be used to treat OCD symptoms. It'll arrive on Tuesday). I also take ginkgo biloba, fish oil, ginseng, vitamin C, vitamin D (in the winter), ashwagandha, B-12, spirulina, and a collagen supplement. I take all of these in the morning.

Therapy: On Monday Feb 17th, I'll start cognitive behavioral therapy.

Catalyst to Recovery
A couple of Sundays ago, I experienced the apex of my anger and neurosis - I had the thought that I must kill my mother in order to reach the next stage of my development. I don't hate my mother, but I must kill someone I love in order to reach my apotheosis. When I kill her, I want her words, expressions, screams, and emotions etched in my memory forever. I want to be haunted by her last moments. This event horizon would be the moment in which I fully embrace the evil in my heart, the gateway for irreparable destruction both for others and for myself. A reverse spiritual awakening where I find transcendence and meaning in the immersion of the pain and violence. Violence, domination, and destruction are my destiny, or else why have these impulses in the first place? Why try to sublimate them when I SHOULD be directly expressing them. I must fulfill my destiny.

Rage As A Manifestation of Existential Despair
It doesn't take a genius to understand that underneath the rage, there is pain. Rage is expansive, motivating, and empowering when productively channeled. It's also destructive and self-imploding when not properly dealt with. I will not go into detail as to why I have all of this pain (at least not yet), but this rage is a response to regret, shame, insecurity, feelings of powerlessness and worthlessness, and frustrated desires. I'm always teetering on the edge of the abyss, peering into the black eye of the void. Every day is a death rehearsal, slowly chipping and pushing away, and destroying everything I hold dear until I have nothing to live for. Once that moment occurs, from the embers of despair, rage, and hate, I will emerge as someone fully realized in the evil I could commit.

Starting On The Path Towards Recovery
Here are my immediate goals at the moment: keep a consistent sleep schedule and meditate every morning (at least for 5 min). The next goal is to clean my room and keep it clean (in the spirit of Jordan B Peterson). The goal is to channel my energy from the head down towards the gut and below. My head center is chaotic noise. My anger feels less like a gut-centered emotion and more of a result of mental machinations and obsessive-compulsive cognitive loops. The long-term goal is for me to have more control over my cognitive map.

How I am Feeling Today